Monday, November 21, 2011

I'm Back....AGAIN LOL

     OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH Michael O GET EM!!!! I have been missed and I have missed my blog family DEARLY. I can't believe that I haven't blogged since August, as seriously I still feel that August was just yesterday. I still have tales to tell that haven't come out but those will have to wait. To make this return as quick and seamless as possible I will simply give a rundown of what I am currently up to.


      I am currently serving in Americorps as a City Year Detroit corp member. More on this later but the gist of it is that I work in schools in Detroit, tutoring Math and English and mentoring children to help prevent the high school dropout crisis in America.


     I am currently studying for the LSATs which I am taking on December 3rd so wish me luck, but sadly I can't make Jay-Z/Kanye West "Watch The Throne" concert this Saturday AND I will miss the Michigan v. OSU game in Ann Arbor. If you know anything about me then you are fully aware as to how utterly distraught I am at missing both of these monumental events, no rest for the wicked right?


     I haven't touched my novel "Galfing: A Young Man's Guide" in a few months as I have been consumed with work and ETC, but as soon as this grad school app progress is over I GUARANTEE you that I will be hitting that hard, like Craig/Cass hitting the sheets(o_0 "Oh NO he didn't lol, is that too soon to go there??? LOL) to drop to an agent sometime in the new year.


     I have two NEW musical projects/mixtapes/ divine slices of heavenly wonder, etc slated to drop back2back sometime in the new year. Again, I have been held up by all of this grad school work but BELIEVE me when I tell y'all that this is my BEST work yet and I will be making some waves with this one, can't wait for y'all to hear it.


     As our dear Aubrey "Drake" Rodgers sings, "I aint sex in a LONNG time, I aint sex in a Long ass time baby, I aint had sex in LONNG time, are we sex tonight," so Cass feel free to return the shot I took at you earlier. SERIOUSLY though, isn't it funny what difference a year makes, last summer, or more accurately 2010 I was killing it and Russel was your favorite roomy, NOW I wish I had Russel's sister to play with...LMAO! A few prospects, here and there and I will update more from summer, but I have been entirely consumed with work, but this drought STILL sucks though.


     Last but not least, what brought me back to blogging was a certain CUNT of a girl, with a capital "K" that I work with. I have this belief that you don't have to like me but you WILL respect me as I try to treat everyone with respect but this chick is forcing my hand with her disrespectful and snide comments she makes. It's funny because it kind of reminds me of my beef with Cass last summer, so maybe our relationship can be salvaged but that's to be seen. Her comments have grown to the point that outside of work related business, I have nothing to offer to her, as I am tempted at almost every verb, syllable and Southern twang comment she makes to CUSS her out.  Anyways, I was joking(and if you know me well, some of my best ideas, come from when I am joking) about how to deal with her, I could either resort to cussing her out or not let her steal my joy and simply find the humor in her remarks and keep NOT talking to her. If she's as much a CUNT as I suspect, that will spurn her MORE. So my grand idea was to start a blog, where I simply post all snide remarks and get a HILARIOUS laugh out of them. Hell we could get this thing rolling with any jackass you work with that you can't stand, send me the remarks and I'll post them and we'll laugh our ass off the 1502 way. So stay up for "Annietalkingshit.blogspot.com" because at 1502, we DON'T talk, we do baby!
                                         (A lil somethang I'm working on for the tape..can't reveal the name yet but soon as LSAT stuff is done imma actually leave my house and head to the studio!)
video
                                                                         

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Aww HELL NAW! They're Doing What???

          "Aww HELL naw! They doing what???" Let me backtrack. See I'm months behind these posts so by now, Ray had already went on in his internship, come back and left for school but this was the last night we hung out before he left for his internship. As it turned out, it happened to be Adriana's 21st which would imply a DTM night right but it was Adriana so I settled with her simply taking a drink in front of me. Hell, it was a rainy Saturday night so, I couldn't have rode my bike up to AA so the main reason Ray and I made the trip was that he was leaving in the morning and some girl friends from high school (including Scandi the one that got away before I knew she was engaged) so we decided to make a night of it. On the way there I hit up Cass and Uz and whomever, so when we arrived we parked in that "secret spot" (Jane voice) and headed straight to Charlies to get our drink on. Ray had not yet experienced the "Longest Islands" so I immediately found Jodi Mae and started ordering them. 10 minutes in, I was already buzzing because I don't drink severely at home. I ran into a few former courses but I was trying to be a good host because this was only Ray's third time going out in AA so I was trying to meet girls in two's because I've done Ann Arbor. So I was in the midst of doing this when Scandi and those high school girls showed up and so Ray and I kind of split up until Adriana, Britt and their other sorority sister showed up at the bar.


          It was Adriana's birthday so leave it to sorority girl's to bring a cake to the bar. After introductions and the mini ceremony for Adriana, I insisted that she had to take a drink. For those that are unfamiliar, Adriana was the little sweetheart that would be at 1502's rowdiest events, BLUNT sober. There is nothing wrong with that, but in the conversations I've had with her, it's not that she's against drinking, it's more that she's against what it does to people. Here's my rebuttal to that...NO SHIT! 1.) She's a sorority girl, that's a terrible sample size for "responsible drinkers" 2). You can drink and keep it classy. I guarantee you when she's a doctor years down the line and actually starts drinking, she's going to have the thought, "I dryly wasted some of the BEST years of my life!" Anyways the drink was ordered and of course, she was being apprehensive but the peer pressure got to her and she picked up the glass and placed the straw in her mouth and took a sip before putting the glass back down with a hilarious look on her face. In my mind I thought, "That's it?" However I recalled it was Adriana so, that's as good as you're going to get so I threw my hands up and the group erupted in a cheer. We spent a few more minutes in Charlies before the decision was made to head to Ricks. This is my memory of Rick's, there was a stairs,  it was dark, there was music and I was DRUNK! This is good and bad because it meant that I was enjoying myself but it was bad because I had meant to talk to Scandi because I hadn't seen her in close to 3 years, so I just wanted to catch up with her and it was literally a week later that she was proposed to...Ahh Well. After the gambler, Ray and I StRuGgLEd up the stairs and outside into the rainy night with Adriana, Britt and their other sorority sister with them. We decided to head over to the girl's apartment. 

Yes that's a penis



          At the apartment, Britt and I started kissing as we have a history. She was once my date at that infamous "suspenders date party" where Stev, Wheeler and I TOOK OVER. However, her and I had only ever said "hello" because she was MAD flaky to me. Every time I suggested we would hangout she was ALWAYS busy, so though I crushed on her for a minute, it was senior year and I HAD TO get it in. It was her senior year too, so if she preferred these whack fraternity guys it was her prerogative but I always assumed more could happen with us. So I'm not sure if we started at Charlie's, Rick's or the apartment, but I recall barely grazing on her neck, in the kitchen of the apartment and she grew WILD with excitement! I was barely trying but she was TURNED ON so I remember asking, "Who the hell are these dudes that you usually hangout with?" Maybe I know a thing or two but in my opinion, I wasn't doing shit, but she was loving it so we continued. However, moments later, Britt went into the bathroom and began saying "hello" to the toilet bowl. "CHECK PLEASE!" I'm sorry, when someone throws up, that's a deal breaker for that night (apparently it's not for some people). So the mood was CLEARLY broken but I was cool, I had a great night, and I wanted Britt to be okay, so Adriana helped her out, before heading home and I ventured to the family room where Ray was already stretched out on the futon that the host had pulled out. There was one tiny blanket and I like Ray and all but I wasn't about to snuggle with him if there was no need, so I sat on one of those stylish chairs that looks like an egg and this is where I passed out. 

          Eventually, the strangeness of my seated position awoke me and I also realized how cold the room was due to the rain. It was sometime in the middle of the night so I got up and shuffled to the futon where I noted Ray was still enthralled in the blanket, so I plopped down on the left side of the futon and tried to curl myself up to keep warm. I eventually dosed off until I heard it, "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." At first, I figured I was dreaming it so I thought nothing of it but then moments later, "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." I awoke and listened but all I could hear was the rain howling outside so I closed my eyes again, but then "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." Damn it! That was not a dream, that was real life, so I opened my eyes and decided to discover where this sound was coming from and then I heard it again, "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." Hold Up! It was coming from behind but only Ray was behind me so I rolled my head over and looked and to my surprise, Britt was now in between, Ray and I, but what gave me pause was that she was cuddled up under the small blanket with Ray. So if you can imagine, I was the "little spoon" for Britt, who was the little spoon for Ray. So then the thought dawned on me, "Oh shit, it's coming from them two," so I quickly turned my head around to see if I would hear the sound again, "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." "Aww Hell Naw! They Doing What???" My best friend, is with my girl, about to hookup literally on my head! FUCK THAT! It's too many "my"s in that statement, so I got up from the futon to "use the bathroom" and honestly I was kind of mad, because I was COLD. So after using the bathroom, I was about to return to the room when I peered out the corner and that's when I saw Britt's leg raise over so Ray could roll over on top of her..."I KNEW IT!" I started LAUGHING but I had to conceal it! Ray is my man's so that's Ray, but I didn't know Britt had it in her, apparently she was going to get hers by ANY means necessary! The irony of the situation struck me as the whole night I had been trying to find a girl for Ray and there he was literally on top of mine so after realizing this, I had to bite my lip hard to prevent from exploding in laughter. I realized that Ray is one of the few guys that this could happen with and I would be jovial about so I decided to give them time. I looked at my phone and decided to give them 20 minutes because if you're on top of a girl for 20 minutes and nothing happens, then nothing is going to happen. Besides at this point I was FREEZING, because the bathroom window was wide open and I was only wearing my undershirt that was wet from the night at ricks.


Note Ray in the background PLOTTING!!!

Left:"One Sip" Right: Her Big
          So as I watched the two, I grew giddy with excitement as I was silently cheering them on. I'm taller than Ray and Britt is my height or an inch taller so it was erotic to watch her long legs flail in the air and I realized that the futon wasn't the prime location but what could they do. I pulled out my phone like "I gotta tell someone!" as I had been BBMing with Stev the night before but I recalled that he was at Penn Relays so I figured they had a late night and didn't want to wake him at 7 in the morning so as I scrolled through my phone, Adriana's name popped up first in the "A's" so I shot her a text saying, "Your big and my best friend are DEF hooking up right now." She quickly responded and naturally didn't believe me, it was "one sip Adriana" what are you gonna do? So I watched and counted down the 20 minutes and when I couldn't take the cold anymore I walked up and laid back on the futon saying "What's up guys, don't mind me." Britt looked over at me and had no expression on her face before turning back to Ray. Ray on the other hand had this HILARIOUS grin on his face like he had just been caught with EVERYTHING in the cookie jar, so I started laughing as I watched him mouth "condom," so I turned left and went into the girl's room and asked her for a condom. She asked for what and I explained so she reached into a "Sex drawer???"  by her bed that she was ADAMANT I couldn't look into, and fished out the condom. I tossed it at Ray and returned to the girl's room to await for the end of the tryst. Moments later, the girl calls out to Britt and they have a short convo before we all hear a loud SHRIEK from Britt..."Where's Mike!" I was DONE, on the floor DYING, it was so hilarious. Apparently, she thought that I was Ray and he was me. Britt eventually comes into the room and I return to Ray to recap and he tells me that they didn't have sex but that she had wanted it! However, he didn't have a condom so he was having that debate when I had walked up to the futon from the bathroom so according to him he was glad I had but the rest of the time was spent laughing. With everyone now awake, the girls rushed to breakfast and I wanted Britt to hug it out with Ray but she was hesitant...hmm. So on the ride home, the conversation was about if Britt REALLY knew that Ray wasn't I because Ray and I look nothing alike and have never been confused for each other. Plus I walked up from the bathroom and looked her dead in the eyes and even said something to her. It was dark, but at least I know I DON'T sound like Ray so on a percentage scale, I gave her 80% that she didn't know and 20% that she did and had to get hers. Ray started off at a 98% but then when I presented my argument he eventually made it down to an 85%. To be fair, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and wasn't mad at the situation at all but we all know that 2011 has thought me a thing or two about trusting the opposite sex, so I was firm at 80%. However a more important question arose out of this conversation. What happens when you wake up to someone you don't know or recognize and you two are engaged in coitus. Would you react the same way always or does it depend upon if they are PUTTING IT DOWN?!?!



Excuse Me Sir but....You Can Eat A Dick!

          Do you recall from high school that individual or a group of individuals which you never saw eye to eye on. Well I'd be lying if I didn't add that this was most of my high school peers, hell my best friend Ray and I hated each other when we first met however, one guy I VEHEMENTLY detested was Donnie. The problem was that Donnie was the MAN is high school because he was the star basketball player at our school who could jump out of the gym, and get the newspaper articles and all the accolades and devotion. He and Ray grew up together (and we're one time best friends) and Donnie was an average player at their first high school because a black guy in the hood who can dunk is not that hard to find. However, when they arrived at our high school he began to get love and his hype grew and so did his head. This was literally my ONLY problem with the kid, I didn't play basketball at our high school so yea, the younger insecure me would have wanted the hype he had in high school, who wouldn't? However, it is a reach to say that I was EVER jealous of this guy. However Donnie didn't like me, never did. I would walk down the hallway and it just be me and him and I'd say "What up" just to be courteous, and he would look, stare at me and keep walking. At first I was wondering "WTF" however I came to learn from Ray that he believed I was after his girlfriend Allison. In high school, this was NEVER the case, Allison was a smart girl that shared some college prep courses with me so we would study together and in fact she was helping me to get with her friend Maria that I liked at the time. This was the extent of it, however, Donnie was SOO insecure, he went as far as to tell her that she couldn't even speak to any other black guys at our school. I would like to say that she didn't listen. His fakeness was one thing because this is no uncommon with star athletes however his insecurity was puzzling because for someone who regarded himself so highly and  literally thought he was better than other people his insecurity was borderline feminine! (Ask Ray, he has some STORIES!)


          Fast forward to earlier this summer and one rainy Friday night and Ray and I were bored so he sent the word out and apparently there was a planned party by one of our football teammates. I got ready and asked Ray to pick me up because due to the MONSOON, I couldn't ride my bike. Ray pulled in my driveway and when I went to the passenger seat door, Donnie was sitting there so I went to the back and entered the car and Al was there too, he was our good quarterback from high school. We drove to the party and as we pulled up to the first house, everyone was driving away because the party had been moved, so we ran back to the car and drove to the new location. When we arrived, I quickly saw that party was NOT the word for it, it was a gathering of like 30 guys and 3 girls, and it was only 3 because the party had been moved to one of the girl's house as she had decided to do this on the last minute because her parents were out of town. Thus we walked up her driveway with the garage door open and she quickly ushered everyone in so that her neighbors wouldn't see her or something. The girl was decently attractive and apparently Al had met her before so he went to introduce himself and she didn't remember him so he couldn't believe she couldn't remember him, so Ray hopped onto this and said, "Do you remember me too?" The girl was confused because she felt embarrassed about forgetting so many people so she cautiously replied, "No" and so Ray shot back with "What, you don't watch TV?" and the entire garage explodes in laughter. That's the type of dude that Ray is, he has forgotten more game than most dudes have. Shortly after, our penis fest made it's way into the house and down the basement for the foamy, keg beer and some beer pong and the like. 


          The first thing that was immediately apparent was that life after high school, had been ROUGH to some of our classmates. I'm talking overweight, missing teeth, patchy beards, NAME IT, me and Ray were left just shaking our heads. I look at Ray and say, "Bruh! At this rate I'm not showing up to high school reunion because somebody might cry!" It was truly sad, where the only people that resembled their high school selves were Ray, Donnie, the 3 girls, maybe 2 guys and I. The group couldn't get more girls at the house so we eventually began playing flip cup and beer pong. Ray and I paired up and after a fast start we blew a HUGE lead to Donnie and the host girl. After this, Ray received a text from his cousin who needed a ride so he left. I wanted to talk to a girl but 2 of the girls had boyfriends and Donnie and the host were flirting so I headed upstairs and in the garage I found people in a circle. According to True Blood, people huddle around a circle are either conducting a seance, being attacked by werewolves, vampires, pixies, shifters, etc or they are smoking weed. It was weed so I said "Why Not" and took a couple hits. Shortly after, the affects began to settle in so I made my way back to the house to sit in the living room with myself. When I'm high, I get REALLY horny or REALLY hungry but because there were no girls, I pulled out my phone to text Ray that I needed some food. He replied that he would soon be back with his cousin so i simply sat down alone with my back to the entire scene to listen to the music and all that was occurring behind me. Shortly after, a commotion erupted that had the host of the house SCREAMING. Apparently some guy had went upstairs, which had been blocked off by chairs, and pissed all over the rug, threw shit around, threw hair brushes and accessories in the toilet, even threw the waste basket in the toilet and pissed on everything. I have to ask, is that a white people thing? What is the appeal of going to someone's house and trashing it just for "shits and giggles?" Unless someone has done that to you, you shouldn't trash other people's property if you wouldn't want that done to your mother's house. I don't know, maybe I was raised different. So naturally, the host girl was upset and so a "search party" was organized to discover who committed the crime. I was high already so I needed to reason to laugh but this farce was entirely comical because it was bluntly obvious that one of the "investigators" had committed the crime. You could just hear it in his tone. However I was glad we were out in Livonia and not Detroit because, bullets would have been flying for that shit. 


          Shortly after, Donnie returned from the basement and began to comfort the girl and start hitting on her. Remember, I had not moved in like an hour so I simply heard everything that had been going on, so if I nodded my head backwards I would have hit Donnie and the girl because this is how close they stood behind the couch. From what I could hear, he was very aggressive and this works excellently on certain females but others you have to pull back with. Donnie wasn't catching this hint so of course I found this funny. On a couple occasions, she came to face me and check up on me because she was trying to be a good host so I simply asked her, "Does that work for you? A guy trying to take you home when you're CLEARLY already home?" She laughed and said that she'd been hurt before so with her a guy had to put in 8 months worth of work. Someone had told her that I went to Michigan so she started talking to me about that because she was going to cosmetology school out in Ann Arbor. I then realized I could have EASILY got her number just to spite Donnie  but then I didn't want to be childish and she was cute but NOT "8 months." Shortly after, Ray and his cousin returned and so our band leaves for the car, because Ray's cousin had somewhere to be, Al wanted to return home and Donnie wanted a ride to his car so he could return to the party. However, Ray had promised to take me to Coney Island and so began to drive there when I received urgent questions like, "Did you call ahead first?" from Donnie. I was like "Why would I call ahead first, I didn't plan on catching the munchies?" However, to not hold anyone up, I told Ray to simply turn into Taco Bell so I could order quickly. No one else had indicated they wanted food, so it was a surprise when Al tapped me and asked to place an order. Something had been wrong with the intercom because they couldn't clearly hear me and I found the entire thing funny because I was high, so I think I even ordered some fries and so the attendant is irritated because I asked to start the whole order again now that Al wanted food. Thus someone from the car asks, "Is there someone else we can talk to?" And this sets them off because a deep voice woman, who is CLEARLY a "Shaniqua" starts talking to us with an ATTITUDE. I was DYING laughing. A recent study showed that Taco Bell's meat contains ONLY 30% actual beef, so I was NOT trying to have my food diluted with saliva and urine. So in the midst of all of this, Donnie now wanted some food but this is how he ordered it, he turned sideways from the passenger seat and looked at me out of the corner of his eye, and barked, "Throw that shit on there!" 


          I looked away from the Taco Bell menu and wondered, "Who the fuck is this dude talking to?" I was high, but his tone was VERY unfriendly, so I looked at him and said, "YOU CAN EAT A DICK!" before I returned to my laughter at "Shaniqua." However, as if he gagged on my words, the car fell silent for about 10 seconds before Ray exploded in laughter, and Al started going "Ohh!" So Donnie realizing he'd been disrespected started mumbling various things but he won't speak up like a little bitch so I tell him, "Anytime, anywhere!" before I returned to trying to place this order with "Shaniqua." However, I soon realized that we'd been in the drive through for about 25 minutes so fuck saliva, razor blades were going to end up in our food, so I told Ray, "Pull off, man pull off!"The next morning I was recounting with Ray and he told me, "I don't think Donnie realizes how strong you are." I was high as shit but I was serious as a heart attack, even Ray's cousin who has no reason to side with me said that, Donnie's tone was out of place, so if me and Donnie ever fight, he's going to have to kill me to win because I got 5 years of "ass whopping" waiting for him! I realized in that night that he said more words to me over a game of beer pong than in 5 whole years of knowing each other. From my perspective, define fake. He never tried to know me so his only claim to fame was that he was the "big bad athlete," however that was high school. I'm fresh from Michigan where there are BALLERS both on and off the field, Braylon(Ask me about the first time I met Braylon...Hilarious), Graham, Hart, Tisch, Justin, Zaragon, ETC. I've never seen Donnie on TV, never seen him shut down the club or bar, in Miami, on the yacht, with a Bently, name it! However I'm supposed to get on my knees because he dunked a ball once in high school...GTFOH! And for anyone that thinks I'm talking shit or hiding behind the internet, "DONNIE you know where I be at, ANYTIME, ANYPLACE!" In recapping with Ray, the moral of the story is you don't have to like me but you WILL respect me! I think that is one of the biggest differences between me now and in high school, I can stand up for myself, by myself against whoever and I'm proud of that. Quick side note, right after I was done with "her" I found out that she was messing with Donnie and I DIED laughing! Ray expected me to be upset but it was just comical because when I met her she said he was too fake, too this, too that, and that she could never mess with him because he had tried her in high school. Physically there's nothing wrong with Donnie, it's his personality that turns people off so the humor was that in my opinion this dude hadn't changed so what changed for her??? And don't get me wrong, I wasn't the slightest bitter or have any qualms about who she associates with, it's just all this happened EARLY in the summer but I'm clearly months behind in these posts so I have to backtrack a bit. Shit I even ran into Donnie a few times over the summer time and the last time I was talking him UP to this cute girl from Canada who refereed to him as "Don" and was convinced he was the "Sweetest guy ever!" (her words, it was entirely HILARIOUS). So in closing, if you ever find yourself with the need to respond to a discouraging remark, look at your opponent dead in the eye, puff your chest out and exclaim assertively, "Excuse me sir, but Michael O told me to tell you, EAT A DICK!"







Wednesday, August 3, 2011

One Cold, Wet, Miserable Night in Cass/Craig(actually just realized their names both start with "c")

          Spent the wet and miserable night with Cass and Craig and WOW! She is really lighting up with this whole first BF jazz but I'm loving it. I told him out of all of the "volleyball guys" of hers that we've met, he seems the most interesting and (straight for that matter), but if first impressions are anything he seems like a really cool dude. I would like to say that he is like 4'11", Mexican, hates granola, and is a terrible setter but that would mean Cass has stopped using her "shopping list" of traits when choosing a mate. However he is volleyball tall and appears to have had many an affair with a Spalding or Wilson or even a Tachikara however he seemed liked a dude you could actually hang out with when the last ball is spiked. We discussed some of my novel Galfing: A Young Man's Guide" and Cass is vehemently opposed to him reading it which I find hilarious. She doesn't wanna come off as "dumb" and this is a valid point but as I explained it's not a biography on her life. The stories inspired from her are hilarious references for storytelling purposes so personally having watched Cass go from a twinkly eyed virgin, to seriously liking her first boy, to now having her first boyfriend, I can say she has grown ALOT so if I were to ever write "Galfing 2: The Return Of Jaffar" (1502 inside joke) then naturally she and all of us would be more mature.


          I brought over a bottle of Moscato and we  sat around in their SUB ZERO AC and laughed and told stories. Craig really wanted to know about some points of "Galfing" and like I tend to do I brought up the "Nice Guy vs. Nice Person" debate. You DON'T want to be the "nice guy" but when you say that people who don't understand the concept RUN for hills and start debating. I know these things because I used to be that "nice guy" and in not wanting to take too much away from the book I'll illustrate with an example from a month ago. I met a girl at dollar beer night at this bar near where I live. She was in this white dress and stilletos and she had a PHAT ASS (I'm an ass man). Sensually, we danced the night away and when I saw the sign, I leaned in to kiss her and she FREAKED and turned away. That threw me off, but I calmy waited for about 30 seconds then leaned in to kiss her again and again, she turned away. I was thinking "WTF" because she was tense, biting her lips, etc, according to the signs, she WANTED to be kissed. Reassured by this, I remained calm and told her "I'm not going anywhere" and by the third time I leaned in to kiss her, she literally threw her hands up and "gave up" this internal struggle of hers and kissed me. The moral is the "nice Michael" couldn't have accomplished that because the fear of rejection would have been to great to overcome, thus galfers are NOT "nice guys." See I want you to be a nice person because their is nothing wrong with that but being that "nice guy" or "nice girl" more than likely WON'T get you the person you desire and this is the whole spirit of "Galfing." Galfers DON'T settle! Cass' first point was some skewed, Darwinian natural selection argument that boiled down to "if a boy is lame and girl is lame, then they need to be lame together" and I found this amusing and so did Craig. Cass' additional was that she didn't want people learning my "little tricks and playing games." I laughed and understood her point again but here is the flaw. OF COURSE no one desires someone playing games with their emotions, but that's not what "Galfing" is about. Consider this, when a guy meets a girl and they flirt and laugh and tease, etc are they conducting research? NO! They're "playing" to see if they like each other so they should never be game players but they are playing a game (Paradoxical No?). Consider this other point, I once stated "I would NEVER pay for sex!" but then a certain girl suggested, when you meet a girl and take her out and spend money on her, that money doesn't "magically" return to your bank account. So in a way, you're still paying for sex because why take a girl out if you don't intend to sleep with her? Whether your intent is for one night or for her to birth your children, you still want to sleep with her if you date her and so abstractly, you're paying for sex. It's all about perception and when you truly consider it, life offers many paradoxes like this. Thus those who better master the rules of the game that is "Boy meets girl" have the best chance of ending up with the person they wanted.


          Craig also offered another important inquiry, "When does "Galfing" end?" I had never been asked this, so I pondered it and replied, "It doesn't!" His question was born out of genuine curiosity but it comes out of a lack of understanding, thinking that "Galfing" is a game for tricking people, when instead "Galfing" is a lifestyle. Consider one of the earlier rules of "Galfing" "You Must Become More Self Confident"(This is EXACTLY how I wrote it in the book). Confidence is great when "boy meets girl" but it is equally as great in real life. If you're more confident, you're going to get that job interview, you're going to ace that test, you're going to set your goals and achieve them, etc. How is this a bad thing? So in returning to "boy meets girl" and answering Craigs question, "Galfing" should never "end." Everyone knows that there is there is that "honeymoon period" when you first meet someone where you SWEAR they are God's gift to everything (If you don't know then you are either a virgin or HIGHLY socially inexperienced). That's why they say that you really DON'T know someone till after months of being with them because this is when they are  they're their true self and not solely trying to impress you. However, when that honeymoon period ends is a critical time because many couples fall into complacency and this KILLS relationships. I'll illustrate with marriage because people still view this as the epitome of love that we should all strive for. Why would you want to be in a Multi-year marriage where you don't laugh, kiss, fuck, tease, flirt, etc like you did when your relationship was new? NO ONE does and this is a contributing factor to why the country's divorce rate are about to dip below 50%. The honeymoon ends and sadly many couples realize "Oh shit! I CANNOT bang with motherfucker anymore!" Thus whether you want someone for one night, one year or 80, you MUST strive to treat them like the first time you met them, lest you like being in a loveless relationship. So Craig, this is what "Galfing" is about and you would do well to remember it.


          In closing, that girl in the white dress turned out to be a volleyball player for some school in Arkansas. She told me the night we met, but I was GONE so I went home and passed out. The next morning I had something like 5 missed texts and calls from her. Thus hungover I returned her call and she kept apologizing profusely. I was confused so I asked, "Did something happen?" Her: "I'm just so SOO sorry, I'm not usually like that!" Me: "What are you talking about what are you sorry for?" Her: "You know, for what we did not the dance floor, I'm NOT usually like that!" Me(really confused): "We kissed on the dance floor..." Her: "Yea, I'm not usually like that, I don't want you to think I'm a whore!" I EXPLODED in laughter like this girl cannot be serious, this is what she is apologizing for? Thus I returned "It's fine, I don't think you're a whore, if we fucked on the dance floor, then that's open for debate!" Thus during our ensuing conversations and texts is when she reminded me of the volleyball thing. I was like "Oh cool, I know some volleyball people." But it was when she added that her club team in Michigan was "M Juniors," that I was given pause. So you know my next question right? "Do you know Cassie???" Hilarious!...............Meeting Craig and talking with a few people, there is REALLY a desire from people not in 1502 to read "Galfing: A Young Man's Guide." Craig, Adriana, etc, and honestly I don't mind but I may have stumbled onto something. Do you realize how Google Plus and Facebook grew their initial buzz? They made their service exclusive to a select group of people and grew demand thus when they finally opened up, EVERYONE wanted to get in (This is what Facebook did, Google is still on the select stage). Think about it, the coolest thing about Rick's is the neon sign. However, when you see that line around the corner and down the street, you HAVE to be in there. Thus I may have to limit the people I send "Galfing" to and make them want it like crack!


"Craig & Cassie sitting in a Honda, getting a lil frisky they do they Jane Fonda..."

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Weddings and Chins and Squires...Oh My!

          I'm laughing as I start this post because it was a good time. In late May, Chin contacted me that he was coming to Michigan because his friend Austin was getting married. Austin was this kid I met one time but Chin REALLY wanted me to crash the wedding so I said, "Why Not?" So I'm not going to talk about the day itself, because Chin has characterized the events adequately but I am going add some points before I direct you to his blog post to read his depiction of the events. 


          (1) Chin is from Wheaton, Illinois and seemingly everyone I have ever met from Wheaton is SUPER religious. Way before I knew Chin, I had an internship the summer after freshman year and some of my fellow associates were from Wheaton. As they explained these fellow associates had "gone down the wrong track" with things like drugs, etc so in Wheaton there is apparently some bible college and those fellow associates had gone enrolled there to be reformed or whatever. So long before I met Chin, I had this pre-conceived notion that people from Wheaton were "different" but not necessarily bad, enter Squires. Squires is one of Chin's friends from home he frequently talked about and she was entirely abstract until we met her when she came to visit 1502, the summer after graduation. I met her her and she was cute, nice body, nice smile and she had a boyfriend she intended on marrying (Wheaton effect). So when I met Squires I had no intentions with the girl because she explained about her boyfriend she intended on marrying and I wasn't sure if she was a pastor's daughter or something. However, she came with her own alcohol and it wasn't Mohawk, or Burnett's, or Genny Light, or any of that bottom shelf bullshit,  it was Oberon and this gave me pause. Oberon is a nice, respectable beer, so any girl who pulls out a six pack, can't be all bad right? So during our pre-game later that evening, Sweeny came over and we played beer pong with Squires and I partnering up and Sweeny and Chin partnering up because this is when they were partners in crime and HONESTLY it was kind of annoying because I didn't like Sweeny at the time. Side note. Sometime after graduation, Chin and Sweeny became inseparable but Chin was annoying because he would never call him "Sweeny." This was Chin after graduation: "Me and David just sauteed some asparagus and it was delicious." "Me and David just rolled down a hill." "Me and David just fought some guys and ran away." I'm not making any of these things up and so at the time I would always be left wondering, "Who the fuck is David?" Hell at Hotel Arch there lived two Davids and Ann Arbor is saturated with Davids, so "Who the fuck is David?" And it wasn't just that he called him "David" it was the way he said it, like they just finished playing grab ass or something, "Oh David!" (Also I was debating writing this next part but you know me...Why not?) It was no secret that a disproportional amount of non homosexual guys HATED Wheeler. There was no middle ground, and it's to the point where I would advise Wheeler, who has never been in a fight, to learn how to fight because it's going to help him one day. Some of it is warranted because of Wheeler's actions but hating him because of his laid back attitude or because girls love him is frivolous. Unless Wheeler actually went into your chicken coop and took your chick (Which has happened), you can't hate him for that. However, a fair number of his teammates were not fond of him and Sweeny, being his brash self, was one of them. Thus when I met Sweeny, it was comical that Chin was friends with Wheeler and friends with Sweeny. I didn't know Sweeny, so from my perspective it was "1502 above the rest," so it was "fuck Sweeny" and I was down with Wheeler. Sweeny we're good now, so back to the story.


          (2) So it was Sweeny and Chin versus Squires and I playing beer pong. I was already impressed with her beer selection but beer pong would prove to be the real test. It started raining outside, as we began the game, and I assumed that I would have to carry the team because I was playing with a girl. Sweeny and Chin shot first and they both missed. I let Squires shoot first, as any real gentleman should, and she hit her cup and I hit mine. As per the rules of beer pong, we got the balls back and she hit her cup again, and I was like "Okay, this chick is a baller." I proceeded to hit my second cup and we get the balls back again. Squires misses her next cup, but I concentrate and hit my third in a row which evokes the "fire rule"(you keep shooting till you miss). During "fire," I hit two cups before I miss, so if you can follow the math, Chin/Sweeney had not hit one of our 10 cups, but Squires and I had removed 6 of their cups. In case you're unaware, Chin is NOTORIOUS for being a poor sport with certain events like when the Cubs loose, volleyball and especially beer pong. So Sweeny shoots again and misses and starts laughing but Chin is not amused and that's when the thought entered my mind. Chin lined up his next shot, and he missed again! Chin in now pissed as he slaps a cup of water that was off on the side table. I looked at Squires, and asked "Have you ever shut someone out?" She replied that she hadn't so I told her "I think we can do it." Upon hearing this, Chin starts talking shit and Squires misses her next shot. Over Chin's jeers and Sweeny laughing at the whole situation, I hit my next shot and they are down to 3 cups. At the time, I still didn't think it was possible because I was sure they would hit  ONE of the ten cups and end our chance at perfection. So Sweeny shot again, but again he missed. This affects Chin, as his ball rimmed around one cup and spun out. I grabbed Squires, looked her in the eye, and say "Squires, baby, just give me one cup." I was trying to build her up over Chin's jeers and all I needed her to do was hit one of the remaining 3 cups, and I would bring it home. She focused and hit her cup, "In your face Chin!" I jump up and down with her, but I quickly refocus, in order to hit my cup and bring the balls back. I aimed about 10 times, with Chin dancing wildly in my view, and once the ball left my hand, I knew it was going in....Splash! Me and Squires and hugging each other, Sweeney is laughing harder now, and Chin appeared as if someone had ran over his XBOX, he was ready to strangle Sweeny first, and then everyone else. Perfection in 10 cup beer pong, is the stuff of urban legends because it is so difficult to achieve. You have to be nearly flawless and your opponents have to be blind or something. However as I stood beside Squires, with the thunder flashing in the background, I realized that this was meant to be. The Lord had sent this angel names Squires to accompany me, in my quest for glory, and it was one cup away. Squires focused on the last cup and missed the shot, to Chin's delight. Before I allow myself to get caught up in the exchange of insults, I grabbed Squires aside and looked her in the eyes. "Perfection is one cup away and we must seize this opportunity as few are ever in this position. You blow on this ball and you believe with all your heart Squires that we are destined for greatness and it will be so....Jesus wants us to!" I held up the ball and sensually, she blew on the ball before I let it fly without aiming. The room grew quiet, as everyone watched the ball fly......................................................................................................................splash! SUCCESS!!! As hard as he could, Chin slapped the last cup off the table and into the wall, Sweeny exploded in laughter, and Squires and I embraced in pure joy, as I can't believe what had just occurred. It was one thing to achieve perfection, but to evoke a cosign from Jesus and then to back it up against Chin, PRICELESS! According to the rules of 10 cup beer pong, if you have a perfect victory, your opponents must take a naked lap and this is why perfection is highly sought after. The fact that it now rained furiously, was only icing on the cake. Sweeny wasn't phased by the loss, so while laughing, he stripped down in front of us and bolted out of the screen door behind him to take a naked lap around 1502. Squires and I then have to prod Chin into doing the same and eventually he stepped out onto the patio and took his naked lap. Never have I ever been more excited to see the pale ass cheeks of other males. Sweeny eventually heads home and later in the evening, Cass, Stev, Chin, Squires and I continue our pregame. We head out to a house party with the intent being to head to Charley's and then Ricks. On our way from the house party, we crossed Packard St, and Chin literally disappeared. He said no words, no texts and it was so slick, that the rest of us were left in the middle of Packard St with our heads on a swivel asking, "Where is Chin?" Stev and I had an inkling as to where he was because this was when Chin was annoyingly in his love triangle with freshman "busy," who wasn't about him and grad school Whitney who WANTED Chin. Naturally, Chin chased the girl who was not for him and disregarded Whitney who was mature and cute in her own right. In fact, we were on our way to Charley's to meet up with Whitney and her friends, so it was a bit fucked up, that he just disappeared. We eventually arrived at Charley's and of course, tipsy Whitney greeted us with, "Where's Chin?" Where's Chin?" Where's Chin?" I don't want to lie to the girl but, what was I going to tell her, so Cass, Stev and I answered her inquires with, "Oh he's on his way!" We progress towards Rick's to continue our night and Squires and I eventually wound up on the dance floor. I'm sure she was hesitant, but according to the signs, she was feeling it and so was I, so I leaned in and we kissed. We continued dancing and kissing and sometime later, out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed a flash streak across Rick's, as it was fairly empty that night. The person approached Squires and I and it was Chin. Whitney was excited to see him, but in one quick motion, he stepped in between me, said something to Cass about pawning Whitney off to me,  grabbed Squires by the hand and disappeared once again. It was entirely hilarious, so I looked at Stev and asked out loud, "If that was Wheeler with Squires, do you think he would have done that?" Simultaneously we answered my question, "Nah!!!" Admittedly, I was a bit miffed, because it was like he believed that I wasn't good enough for Squires or something. I never discussed the subject with him and it was a year later at 1502's Easter reunion, while we discussed his love triangle, that he explained that ever since he befriended Wheeler, he had always desired Wheeler to hookup with Squires (to bring them closer idk). Thus seeing her, enthralled with me shattered that fantasy. As he explained this, my only thought was "Maybe if you chased the right girl, these things won't happen!" So when he was trying to convince me to crash Austin's wedding, his favorite phrase was, "I'm going let her make her own decisions." However, I would not be surprised that on their drive from Illinois to Michigan, Chin coached her up with something like, "I swear to God Squires, I don't care how irresistible it is, YOU BETTER NOT KISS MICHAEL O!" Squires and I talked at the reception, and she claimed she did not remember our first encounter....Right! She didn't marry that boyfriend, shocker I know, but I doubt it had anything to do with me. It was probably more about the fact that you won't marry everyone you date (some people find that hard to believe). So that's the story behind Squires and though she plans to marry every boyfriend she has, she will always hold a special place in my heart as my "Perfection Angel."


          (3) At the reception, I found a roll of caution tape (you'll see in the pics) and being in a good mood, I fashioned a crossing guard belt because I always wanted to be a crossing guard but never had the opportunity. Thus it was while I wore this that one mom, looked at the piece across my waist and then zeroed in on my crotch region and as sultry as she could said, "Aren't you wearing that a bit high?" Her statement gave me pause, so it took a moment for me to realize that was indeed and innuendo, as I was the only chocolate flavored person there. The weird thing though was, her husband was standing right next to her smiling sheepishly at me! I was like, "Oh shit! Are they swingers?" So without a word, I grabbed the piece around my waist and lowered it and the whole outside bar exploded. So when I read Chin's post, he wrote it as if, I showed up and "all the dildo's came out" or something but NO! They started it and had I not been shitfaced at the end of the night, I would have possible investigated to see if "Caution Milf" was really serious about her sultry talk. I LOVE mature, older women, because as a boy I saw Diane Lane in "Unfaithful" and I have always loved that brand of women since then. 

          (4) Chin and I were shitfaced before we left the reception hall. On various tables there were cameras for the guests to take pictures to add to the memories. So when Chin and I went to grab our jackets he zips down his pants and takes a picture of his cheeks and says to me, "Take a picture of your dick," naturally I respond, "YEA!!!" I took the picture and then we ran outside to catch a cab. Thus the next day, in much more sober state, Chin and I were messaging and we asked, "Why the hell did we do that?" At the reception, it failed to dawn on us that I was the only black guy there so I couldn't claim it was someone else. Chin wrote about it very calmly, but I'm telling you, for 3 weeks after the fact he was nervous as hell when we would text saying things like, "Oh man, I hope Austin doesn't trip." I looked at it like, Chin's ass cheeks can pass for Caucasian so I was the one who would catch grief if anything happened. However, I wasn't truly worried because whoever processed the pictures was either going to frame them or toss them out, because these were the old school "clicker wheel" cameras, where you can only see the film after it's processed. We probably shouldn't have done it but as Chin was tripping, this was when the Ohio State scandal broke through. Thus I told Chin, "Have you learned nothing from Jim Tressel? Deny, deny, deny, you have plausible denialbility as long as you don't tag the pictures on Facebook, we're good!" So that was "Weddings, with Chin's and Squires, Oh my!" Nothing happened between Squires and I, but it was still a good time and now you may go read Chin's post as your homework. 

Chin's Post(with pics)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Porter/Offili Wedding: Saturday

           I awoke to Serah next to me and the realization that I was officially "Phone-less" was what clouded my mind as we laid in bed for awhile and talked before she excused herself to make breakfast. She realized that she was out of materials so we decided to venture over to Kroger. As I awaited on the sidewalk for her to pull her car out from behind the house, I noted how immaculate the weather was. I looked over to the neighbors house and there was a patch of yellow flowers that grew eagerly so I walked over and plucked one. Either I made it up or had a moment of recall, but sometime during my interaction with Serah, she mentioned the fact that she loved yellow flowers. Thus as I boarded the car from the passenger side, I presented it to her and she gushed sheepishly. It's the little things. Upon our return from Kroger, I sat down to watch TV while she set herself in the kitchen to make a bacon, egg and hash brown delight. According to her, it wasn't her "best effort," but I was hardly at the Ritz  Carlton, with an almost empty pony keg, just to the left of my feet. I brushed her notion aside because in this day and age where many undergraduate women cannot boil water, to have one fuck the shit out of you, then proceed to satisfy your hunger, what more could I want? That's as good as it's likely to get on any campus. We finished our meal because she had to get to work and I had to head home in time for my closing shift at Rite Aid. I quickly retrieved all of my clothes and she drove me over to Hotel Arch, which luckily was open despite the house being empty due to the track meet. Quickly, I secured my backpack and hopped onto my bike to return home. I REALLY did not feel like going to work, but the fact that seemingly everyone I wanted to hangout with was at the wedding, I had no better alternatives, thus I turned my bike on and headed for the highway.


          I made it home with about 30 minutes to spare before I had to head to work. The whole ride down, I was troubled with what I was going to do about my phone. I purchased the phone myself after I was kicked off the family plan so replacing it would rest with me. Even worse, I realized that the following week, I had 3 separate phone interviews for various jobs and positions I had applied for. Rite Aid was pissing me off, because they hired me as full time, manager in training, but since my hiring, I only managed to break more than 30 hours once from January to the end of May! It was truly fed up with them because my head boss, would give me these silly little criticisms about how much more I had to learn but naturally I felt like they were retarded. In my 3 and a half months there I never received any formal "training" from her, thus everything I learned about how to run the store I learned from asking or from the second in command. She was a wonderful woman and she dotted on me and was in my corner, even telling her bosses boss, that I was ready to run the store the day I walked in and that if they did not officially promote me, that they would loose me. So I love her for that and during the following week, it was because of her that I FINALLY received my promotion interview. However by that point I was DONE with Rite Aid as a corporation. I had to discover from a pharmacy tech that what was holding up my promotion was payroll. The store simply could not afford me, yet instead of coming and telling me this, the head manager would try to make it seem like it was my fault because I didn't push boxes hard enough or something, when I was working my ass off. Aside from me and another boy, everyone else at the store were women who were over 55 years old. So if you can imagine, guess who was doing a fair share of the grunt work? Even worse, the head manager would schedule me mornings and evenings with no particular order from week to week so I could not even pick up a second job. So if you can imagine, it's a COLD COLD winter, I'm dealing with this subterfuge at work, my dad is overseas criticizing me for being "having no direction," and being "unmotivated," PLUS I was dealing with her. You add this all up and I was going INSANE, because in my week to week, there was nothing that gave me joy. Yes I was writing "Galfing: A Young Man's Guide" but you have to realize what propelled me through the writing process was hurt feelings, so it was more a chore than actual excitement. I was trapped in this cycle of perpetual greyness and I didn't know how to get out. THAT'S WHY, the 1502 Easter reunion was such a godsend because it reminded of good times. It was almost like awakening out of hibernation because I was like, "Oh Yea! I am Michael O, I do love beautiful things, I'm not unmotivated!" So even if I received the offer from Rite Aid, I was already SOLD on the other two. One I cannot recall the first but the other was an Americorp position. Thus with the two phone interviews and the Rite Aid one the following week, me not having a phone was going to be a nuisance, and it was with this thought that I went into work with.  


          As soon as I arrived, the store grew extremely busy and Rite Aid, being purposely short staffed to save costs, I was the only one up front to deal with the lines of customers. In my time there, I had grown a following with the repeat customers because all of those old ladies at the registers were EXTREMELY slow, so people liked me for my speed. Thus I was trying to speed through the lines as fast as possible, while thinking of what to do about my phone. Shortly after, this young lady approaches with a can of Bud. I ID her because we carded anyone under 30. I forget her actual birthday but I recall saying out loud, "Oh that's young!" The line was about 10 people long so in not wanting to waste anymore time, I quickly rang her up and began servicing the next customer. However 1 second after the young lady steps out of the store, I do the math in my head and realize, "Wait! She was 20 not 21." Fuck! One thing Rite Aid was clear on was teaching about not selling to minors and in that instant I had the thought to run after her but more people had joined the line so I was stuck at the register. I tried to forget about it and quickly rang up the rest of the customers and focused on getting through my shift. About 50 minutes later, when the store was empty, this grey haired white dude walked up to the counter and smiled strangely at me. I thought he was about to ask me out when he said, "Do you remember selling to a minor." FUCK!!! What could I say? I put my head down and shook it solemnly. I looked at him and said, "Yea, I remember, there was a rush and my mind was elsewhere, so I only recall my mistake after she left the store." He flashed his badge and asked me to get the manager. The assistant manager was working in the office and so I went to fetch her and told her about my gaff. I could see the dread wash over her face. She was really excited that she finally got me my promotion interview, so she had foreknowledge of what my blunder meant. We finished up with gray hair and called the head manager and according to official policy, I was "suspended" until further notice to investigate if this was something I did regularly. I returned home thinking, "What more could go wrong?" Plus like I explained to my mother, "Yea I hated Rite Aid, but to leave them I wouldn't purposely commit a crime" because now the State could prosecute me or hit me with an insane fine if they discovered this was something I habitually did. So now I sat at home with no phone, no job and at that point, the wedding was already over. Porter/Offili were married out in Ypsilanti but they chose to have the reception in Livonia(not near) for some odd reason. Livonia is in my backyard so I realized I was now free and I  did not want to sit at home and wallow. I grabbed our house phone, which is a cellphone because we don't have a domestic line(more on this later), and sent Stev a text, after I found his number in an old email. 

          I wanted to go to the reception but officially I wasn't invited, and it was projected to rain. I inquired Stev's opinion and he was just was "wishy washy" with his response. Then in a moment of clarity it struck me. I didn't like how indecisive I had been lately. This was directly against the type of man I'm striving to become so I said, "Fuck it!" If it rained I would simply turn around and go home and at the reception, the worst they would do is not feed me or send me home. They weren't going to shoot me, so I made an executive decision. I rode down to the barber shop and received a haircut ($15 dollars plus tip!!! Remember when those were around $5??? Damn shame!). I returned home, showered, donned my suit and rode over to the reception manor. I made my way through the halls to the correct reception hall and the ladies in front of the tables greeted me by asking my name. I gave it to them and they began to search for my name. When they couldn't find it, one of them replied, "I'm sorry, I couldn't find it." Admittedly, my heart was slightly racing at this point but I figured, "Hey I've come this far." So I looked at the women and said, "What?" Recall, "Offili" is a Nigerian name and I'm Nigerian so I gave my name again, and they continued looking. I started reading names that I did recognize, and continued with, "What do you mean you can't find my name? Joe Strizich, that's almost my best friend and Frank, I damn near raised him since his freshman year!" "And the Academy Award for best actor goes to....Michael O!" At this point, they are terrified saying, "Oh I'm SOO sorry sir, the mistake must be ours. Follow me we have the perfect table for you." One of the ladies, led me into the reception hall and the seat she seats me next to is right next to none other than Stev. I can't make this shit up. Everyone at the table including Dre, Stan, Stev, Anneve, Smilez are like, "Mike O? What are you doing here?" "What is going on here?"(Inside joke). I laugh and respond, "The real question is, "What am I NOT doing here? I need a drink!" I quickly learn from Stev that his night with "Crazy Rachel" ended with a gun, some Ypsilanti thugs, and her pissing on the couch, but trying to blame it on him. If that isn't "crazy," I don't know what is! I laugh and elaborate that my night with Serah was SIGNIFICANTLY better. We then head over to the open bar and the wise cracking Jerry served us our drinks. He was a fun time all night and the reception went swimmingly. I realized that many people I would not have associated with as an undergrad, now that I am an alumni, I have love for the whole Wolverine family. It was great to see many young Wolverines, all trying to pursue great endeavors because I'm trying to do great things. I was not misfit at all, because between Porter and Offilli(I guess officially Porter at that point), many of the people that they knew, I knew as well. We ate, drank, laughed, and were entertained by this CRACK Nigerian dance team, with the drums and matching outfits as well. They killed it! Next there was a video montage of Jeff and Tiffany, and even how he almost bust his ass on ice skates, then recovered to get down on one knee and propose to her there on the rink, it was really cute. Eventually we hit the dance floor and "Stereo Love" was by far the highlight. The Dub Step is this little dance that is huge in Europe and Stan introduced it to us to add to our routine in Mock Rock(a charity talent show for terminally ill children at UofM). The dance is alright enough, but I would have never guessed that a year after learning it, we would still be doing it. When you get three or more people in a line doing it all in unison, I'm telling you, you could be in a cemetery and people will go wild! It's to the point when I go out now and hear Stereo Love, my head is instinctively on a swivel like, "Stev, Stan!" until I realize I'm alone, so it's kind of sad in a way. However, when St., Stev, Stan and I danced to Stereo Love at the wedding, the place went crazy! "What is that dance?" "Teach it to me?" I don't even know the full steps because it wasn't my scene in Mock Rock, but I guess I have to learn it, along with the rest of the Dougie and the "Cat Daddy," which is the hot new craze. The last dance I actually tried to learn was "The Jerk," so I guess it's so many dances so little time. The reception eventually ended and everyone hopped into their cars, and I on my bike to head back to AA. 


          Naturally, we decide to head to Ricks, while another group decides to head to Main St. Inside, we have fun, drink, laugh and dance on stage. A while ago, I said I was off Asian girls, here's why. I danced by myself, in between songs and this Asian girl, walked up to the stage with her friend and rudely asked me to move out of the way. I assumed she simply wanted to get onto the stage so I slid over and let her but then she does or says something rude again and I had to respond. Next thing I know, we're in a verbal spat and I'm asking her, "What is your fucking problem?" However she continues to the point, I look at her friend and say, "You better tell your girl to shut up talking to me, before she gets stepped on!" This chick would NOT shut up. She continued with something like, "Look at you, can't get a girl," or something to the effect. Oh really? Thus for the rest of the night, I make it my point to find girls that are MORE attractive than her and dance right in front of her, as she stood alone, looking salty. Never have I ever, disliked a girl that intently, that quickly! Secondly, she brought back memories of my 2 Asian hookups which were both TERRIBLE! This one chick, had me on the Rick's stage HATING her whole race. I felt like "Chin on a Sunday afternoon, better than a Chin who says yes too soon." Thus I do not know how long my embargo will last, all I know is that they will NOT love me long time. Closing time was called and having not secured any prospects for the evening, I joined the group to head back to Hotel Arch. Now we had a dilemma because there was not enough beds for people to sleep in. Thus Stev goes home with Meg, who lives just down the street. Smilez lends his car to Stann/Anneve so that they could drive back to their hotel room, and Dre, Smilez and I, venture into the basement. There we find a hulk of a girl sprawled out against two couches. We don't know who she is but then two skinny white dudes come down after us and reveal that she is "Ashley" and they are friends of Jack, a resident of Hotel Arch. They try to wake her up, because she is taking so much space on the couch but they can't so I'm not sure who started it, but Dre or Smilez began to call her "Smashly Evans." I had already secured the couch by the stairs so I laid down as I observed the next scene. Smilez laid on the floor thus the 3, not strong people in the room, decide to pick Smashly up and forcefully evict her from the couch. I watched as Dre and the 2 white dudes attempted to pick Smashly up, and just as immediately her head drops with her legs in the air. I laughed saying, "You guys are about to kill that girl." However, she still was not awake, so they return her to the couch and resort to throwing things at her to wake her up. "Smashly get up!" "Smashly, wake your ass up!" I'm dying laughing because, they're throwing remotes, video game controllers, shoes, etc at this chick! Groggily, she eventually wakes up and sits up, and for someone who almost had her neck broken and insults literally and figuratively hurled at her, she was in a great mood. At that moment, someone says my name and I lament about the fact that I would rather be in a bed than a couch, but because I had the house phone, I had no numbers. The five of them pick up on my house phone comment and start laughing. They kept cracking jokes and I didn't know what was so funny about the fact that I had a house phone, that's a cell phone. I didn't know then, and I fail to see the humor now. Anyways, I passed out at around 6 in the morning so with all things considered, what could have been a terrible weekend, turned out to be quite enjoyable. In closing, and returning to the reception, when I eventually ran across Porter, he greeted me and said, "Thank you for coming out. Why weren't you at the wedding?" I looked over at Dre, laughed and shook my head.


         

Porter/Offili Wedding: Friday Night

          As was custom, I hopped onto my motorcycle with my backpack on my back and packed, I headed onto the highway towards the highway to travel to AA. The Waithe's were in town(minus Stevie), Smilez, Dre, you name it, many people were going to be in town because Porter was FINALLY tying the knot with Ofilli. Since I began hanging with all these track stars, I had heard of the ensuing wedding and I wanted to go because Porter was inviting damn near EVERYBODY. A few weeks back, at 1502's Easter reunion, he had suggested that Dre could bring a date. I told Dre that if he didn't find a date he should invite me, and so he agreed. The wedding approached and I heard nothing from him, can't say I was shocked. Let me elaborate. 


          Dre is notorious for falling short on certain endeavors and engagements. The summer before 1502 was born, I found myself alone in the house this certain weekend. Wheeler, Stev, and Chin were home for the summer and Cass had a volleyball thing, or was vacationing with her family or hunting down black bananas to impregnate our fridge with for her banana bread that everyone but her was aware she would NEVER make, I digress but the point is I was home alone. Coming off junior year, 5th Quarter was still respectable to venture into, thus when I received the text invite from somebody, I accepted and went. I made my way in and one of the first people I witnessed was Dre. Seeing a friendly face, we exchanged pleasantries and Dre tells me he is hosting his friends from somewhere faraway like Kalamazoo. He then invited me to his after party. I said, "Cool, where is it?" "Your house." "Oh you DON'T say Dre!" I laughed and simply said, "Just inform me earlier if you're going to throw a party at my house." Thus for the rest of the night, Dre invited people, mostly girls,  to said after party. He was a man on a mission and so at the end of the night, we expected a decent turnout. As we headed for the exits, we coordinated the liquor purchasing and all. Dre disappears. I was standing with his friends so we all decide to head over to Bell's Pizza while they try to locate Dre. We get the pizza and return to the car, and 40 minutes elapsed and we hear NO reply from Dre, no calls, texts, emails, carrier pigeons, etc. His friends, 3 guys and a girl, get PISSED! Finally Dre responds and texts that the after party is "canceled." The whole car lets out a collective "This Nigga!" "Motherfucker!" "Oh he's just not going tell anyone?" I'm laughing, the girl was passing out next2 me in the backseat but the 2 dudes are LIVID! Through bouts of expletive laden statements, they make the executive decision to drive back home at 3:30 in the morning instead of spend the night. Then it hits me, "Fuck! I gotta get back to the crib." Kindly they drop me off, and I point them towards the highway and sure enough, there were people on our front lawn like a Dave Matthew's concert. So I get to shooing them away and for the next two hours, people showed up for the after party. Funny side note to this side story, I later discovered that from Bell's, Dre had been less than 1 minute away from us, at those apartments on top of Blue Front. So though we didn't know it at the time, when his friends told him that we were awaiting him at Bell's, he knew he was less than a stone's throw away from us. Oh Dre. As you can imagine he was doing his thing, with a certain young lady. She played a sport, which involves a ball.


          A few months later, during fall of our senior year, Dre planned this elaborate party. He hyped it for what seemed like 2 months, it was all over Facebook, the drinks were described as "unlimited," and he even hired a professional DJ. This was supposed to be a BANGER because it was labled "The Party Of The Year!" I grew excited! One thing I never liked about Ann Arbor is that Friday nights tend to be dead and it's because of Football. People will go out HARD on Thursdays, chill Fridays so that they can get up to tailgate on Football Saturdays. This is what led us to create our "Live from 1502" events, which you can read in my novel "Galfing: A Young Man's Guide." So I was REALLY excited for this party and in fact that Friday night, Cass had a volleyball game so after Chin, Stev, Wheeler, and I cheered her on with such classics like "Put Cassie In!" and "Let's Go Boobs!", we rushed home to eat, shower and get freshly dressed for the evening. As the four of us, stepped onto our tiny porch, our phones chirped in unison. Everyone retrieved their phone and...."This nigga!" Dre struck again! This man had thrown the "Party Of The Year" and 30 minutes after it was scheduled to start, he was contacting everyone he knew, asking for......A HOUSE! I could not believe this shit, as everyone exploded in laughter but I was kind of hurt. That evening, I made NO other plans, I told people where to find me, it was all over my Facebook, and I wasn't addicted to Call Of Duty like the boys were, so my night was shot. We would have let him host at 1502, but for the numbers he was projecting, our house was too small and it would have been too much work on too short notice. Despondently, I threw my hands in the air and turned around saying, "I quit!" Sure enough, the boys turned on the XBOX and I walked to my room to go to bed. Dre graduated at the end of fall semester and we saw him sparingly after that, but if it weren't for my music, I WOULDN'T consider him a friend today. He was one of the first people to realize I was serious with my music and I must say this. I recall one night, as I was coming from, or on my way to Rick's and I ran across Dre. He was with his cousin and two cute girls and after introducing me, he says, "Hey Mike, I wanna be your manager." I was drunk, but I promptly sobered up, cocked my head, squinted my eyes, raised one eyebrow and said, "Really, umm....we'll talk about it." Oh Dre. However, to his credit he came through on many of the beats I used on my first musical project "No Spaces."


          Fast forward to the Friday before the Porter/Ofilli nuptials and I knew I wasn't going to the wedding because Dre had struck again, but it was still going to be a fun time so I hopped onto my bike and rode down M-14 towards Ann Arbor. On my way, this certain car was riding my ass in the slow lane. Thus I drift left for him to pass me, and just then a fierce gust of wind rips through my  chest and the music I was listening to suddenly stops. I reached for my pocket because I figured a bump must have accidentally pushed a button, but then I couldn't feel my phone! Frantically, I patted around and still could not feel it in my pocket, and then the grim realization of what must have occurred struck me. "FUCK!!!!!!" At that split second, I thought about turning around in the grassy median and attempting to find my Crackberry but with the busy highway and me on a motorcycle that was sure to lead to death. I looked to my right and some jackass is pointing backwards and violently shaking his head up and down, confirming my fear. The rest of the ride towards AA was one long exercise in expletives for expressing extreme emotion. I get to town and I have no way of contacting my sister or anyone else. I made my way over to Hotel Arch and it was locked because apparently there was a track meet. I then realized that aside from my number and my mom's old work number, I know ZERO phone numbers by heart. Remember when you had to memorize phone numbers? Technology is a bitch! I hopped back onto my bike and said, "Think Michael!" For some reason I decide to head to the library. I assumed that with the computers, I could utilize Facebook, or email to contact someone. I walked into the Ugli (Undergraduate Library) and the first person I saw in the main room was none other than Jen! Jen was the ultimate "guys girl" and we shared a kiss once upon a time and were supposed to hook up but it never happened and I don't recall why. However, she was a class ahead of me so I assumed she was on her "grown woman" and being a dedicated nurse. However I learned that she was also in a masters program at UM hence her presence in the library on a Friday evening. When I expressed mine, she BUSTED out laughing and playfully I hit her on the arm. She offered her phone and again I know, no numbers but luckily she had Stev's number so I sent a text to explain my dilemma. When he eventually replies he expressed that He, Cass, Kenzo, and Smilez, were making their way to Tomukun, the site of my first sake bomb during the Easter reunion. I greeted Jen goodbye and I returned to Hotel Arch to drop my belongings off. This time, the house is open and I greet Braun and St. before heading towards E Liberty St. 

          I arrived at Tomukun, and everyone smiled sheepishly at me. "I need a drink!" I say as we laugh and start interacting. We spend the rest of the time drinking, eating, taking pictures and telling stories. The sexy waitress from our Easter reunion, who was writing the thesis with the world's longest title, was again our server. Kenzo and I headed over to the main bar to watch the Wings vs. Sharks playoff, hockey game because apparently he "hated the Red Wings." Somehow the Sharks had jumped out to a 3 game to none lead and this was reason to taunt. Is there even ice in California? I simply told him, "If we win tonight, we're coming back and winning game seven." The Wings won that game to the delight of the entire bar but Kenzo. The Wings eventually took the series to a game seven before they lost so we'll have to get those damn Sharks next year. The group paid our bill and we decided to make our way towards Carnival. We played pool, and sang karaoke before deciding to head down the street to Live. On our way, we literally stumbled across a woman outside of Blind Pig as she smoked a cigarette. According to Louis Griffen from Family Guy, "If she smokes she pokes!" As it goes, I believe the cigarette represents a phallic symbol, and am I yet to see a trend that refutes this notion. Stev began talking to her and we all made our way to Live. We entered and the place was scarcely populated but there are more women than men. We ordered drinks and eventually made our way to the dance floor. We danced and carried one like we do and we all tried to get the smoker chick out of her shell, but something was off about her. Eventually a group of women made it over to us and I began dancing with one. When we stop dancing, I struck up a conversation with her and her group and she tells me one of the girls was her daughter! WHAT??? I would have never guessed because in terms of attractiveness, mommy was KILLING the daughter. I couldn't even tell she had children, much less a grown one. If I get married, I NEED a wife that ages as gracefully. At that moment, Smilez laments that he has to go pick up Dre from the train station, as for some reason, Dre scheduled his trip from Chicago to AA, to arrive at 1 am. We decide to leave Live and despite not having any friends, or plans, the smoker chick, flakes on joining us for the rest of the evening. Thus Smilez drops Kenzo, Cass, Stev and I off at Ricks before heading off to await Dre. 


          Ricks was moderately packed as we made our way down the stairs. We order our drinks and everyone separates and starts doing their own thing. I spent about 30 minutes greeting people I hadn't seen in months but naturally I ended up on stage to dance with the crew once Dougie, or "You're a Jerk" came on. While front and center on the stage, I spot that Smilez has arrived and next to him is Dre. So in the middle of my Dougie, I spot him and I threw up both middle fingers at him while I still danced and this sheepish look crept across his face. When the song ended, I eventually talked to him and he explained that it was his "bad," but that he himself had confirmed really late for the wedding. At that moment, I was drunk and over it, and more importantly closing time was in less than 15 minutes and I had put in no work in terms of finding a girl. Thus I took a stroll around the bar and as I turned the corner to climb the stairs to the main bar, I saw her as she approached me from around the corner. To my surprise it is none other than Serah. I hadn't seen her since 3 weeks prior at  our Easter reunion romp that Stev was a witness of. As soon as our eyes locked, it was magnetically instantaneous. She approached me, as I leaned against a wooden rail, and we kissed for what seemed like 5 minutes. When we withdrew from each other, she said, "I love how when I see you, we're all over each other without a word." No words were needed so I grabbed her and continued. Shortly after, the DJ called last call and the patrons collectively made their way out of the bar. As Serah and I made our way up the metallic stairs, I spotted Stev with "Crazy Rachel," this girl that Cass introduced him to and she actually might be crazy so I immediately thought to myself, "That CAN'T end well..." However, I had a sultry siren on my arm so where was my focus at? We made our way onto the sidewalk and turned left to begin heading to her house which is off White St. Like our Easter trip, we passed by an alley, in between these two houses and quickly, she PULLED me into it. This spot, next to a rickety, old wooden stair case is so unassuming that we can see the patrons walking down the sidewalk to our right but they can't see us. Naturally, we begin to go at it with our lips. As the seconds pass, her moans become more eager as she is about to burst with desire. When she can't stand it any longer, she lets out this little shrill and pushes me against the house. Furiously, she attacks my belt and pulls me towards her but without my hands. She then proceeded to bend over and initiate head, while I'm leaned back against the house, jeans around my knees, while watching people walk on the sidewalk to the left of us. I LOVE college! That alley way loving, I felt like Chin in Mexico in the summer of 2010 (Oh you thought we forgot about that motherfucker!). Shortly after, we HAVE to get back to Serah's place because I was ready to give her body an "O"utstanding workout. So the entire walk back to her place, we're all over each other and this makes walking in straight lines, impossible. Eventually, we reached her house and we began in the shower with the warm water cascading over us, as the temperature paled in comparison to the heat we generated. Things get rough and rugged and we broke her shower railing as I attempted to clutch onto it for leverage. This amused her as she let out a chuckle so I shrugged and nakedly lead her from the tub to her bedroom. She pushed me into her bed, and with as much fervor as the bathroom, we attacked her bed. Long story short, I put it down, as any respectable Galfer should, and so the answer is "YES!" I had a good night...