Saturday, July 23, 2011

Weddings and Chins and Squires...Oh My!

          I'm laughing as I start this post because it was a good time. In late May, Chin contacted me that he was coming to Michigan because his friend Austin was getting married. Austin was this kid I met one time but Chin REALLY wanted me to crash the wedding so I said, "Why Not?" So I'm not going to talk about the day itself, because Chin has characterized the events adequately but I am going add some points before I direct you to his blog post to read his depiction of the events. 

          (1) Chin is from Wheaton, Illinois and seemingly everyone I have ever met from Wheaton is SUPER religious. Way before I knew Chin, I had an internship the summer after freshman year and some of my fellow associates were from Wheaton. As they explained these fellow associates had "gone down the wrong track" with things like drugs, etc so in Wheaton there is apparently some bible college and those fellow associates had gone enrolled there to be reformed or whatever. So long before I met Chin, I had this pre-conceived notion that people from Wheaton were "different" but not necessarily bad, enter Squires. Squires is one of Chin's friends from home he frequently talked about and she was entirely abstract until we met her when she came to visit 1502, the summer after graduation. I met her her and she was cute, nice body, nice smile and she had a boyfriend she intended on marrying (Wheaton effect). So when I met Squires I had no intentions with the girl because she explained about her boyfriend she intended on marrying and I wasn't sure if she was a pastor's daughter or something. However, she came with her own alcohol and it wasn't Mohawk, or Burnett's, or Genny Light, or any of that bottom shelf bullshit,  it was Oberon and this gave me pause. Oberon is a nice, respectable beer, so any girl who pulls out a six pack, can't be all bad right? So during our pre-game later that evening, Sweeny came over and we played beer pong with Squires and I partnering up and Sweeny and Chin partnering up because this is when they were partners in crime and HONESTLY it was kind of annoying because I didn't like Sweeny at the time. Side note. Sometime after graduation, Chin and Sweeny became inseparable but Chin was annoying because he would never call him "Sweeny." This was Chin after graduation: "Me and David just sauteed some asparagus and it was delicious." "Me and David just rolled down a hill." "Me and David just fought some guys and ran away." I'm not making any of these things up and so at the time I would always be left wondering, "Who the fuck is David?" Hell at Hotel Arch there lived two Davids and Ann Arbor is saturated with Davids, so "Who the fuck is David?" And it wasn't just that he called him "David" it was the way he said it, like they just finished playing grab ass or something, "Oh David!" (Also I was debating writing this next part but you know me...Why not?) It was no secret that a disproportional amount of non homosexual guys HATED Wheeler. There was no middle ground, and it's to the point where I would advise Wheeler, who has never been in a fight, to learn how to fight because it's going to help him one day. Some of it is warranted because of Wheeler's actions but hating him because of his laid back attitude or because girls love him is frivolous. Unless Wheeler actually went into your chicken coop and took your chick (Which has happened), you can't hate him for that. However, a fair number of his teammates were not fond of him and Sweeny, being his brash self, was one of them. Thus when I met Sweeny, it was comical that Chin was friends with Wheeler and friends with Sweeny. I didn't know Sweeny, so from my perspective it was "1502 above the rest," so it was "fuck Sweeny" and I was down with Wheeler. Sweeny we're good now, so back to the story.

          (2) So it was Sweeny and Chin versus Squires and I playing beer pong. I was already impressed with her beer selection but beer pong would prove to be the real test. It started raining outside, as we began the game, and I assumed that I would have to carry the team because I was playing with a girl. Sweeny and Chin shot first and they both missed. I let Squires shoot first, as any real gentleman should, and she hit her cup and I hit mine. As per the rules of beer pong, we got the balls back and she hit her cup again, and I was like "Okay, this chick is a baller." I proceeded to hit my second cup and we get the balls back again. Squires misses her next cup, but I concentrate and hit my third in a row which evokes the "fire rule"(you keep shooting till you miss). During "fire," I hit two cups before I miss, so if you can follow the math, Chin/Sweeney had not hit one of our 10 cups, but Squires and I had removed 6 of their cups. In case you're unaware, Chin is NOTORIOUS for being a poor sport with certain events like when the Cubs loose, volleyball and especially beer pong. So Sweeny shoots again and misses and starts laughing but Chin is not amused and that's when the thought entered my mind. Chin lined up his next shot, and he missed again! Chin in now pissed as he slaps a cup of water that was off on the side table. I looked at Squires, and asked "Have you ever shut someone out?" She replied that she hadn't so I told her "I think we can do it." Upon hearing this, Chin starts talking shit and Squires misses her next shot. Over Chin's jeers and Sweeny laughing at the whole situation, I hit my next shot and they are down to 3 cups. At the time, I still didn't think it was possible because I was sure they would hit  ONE of the ten cups and end our chance at perfection. So Sweeny shot again, but again he missed. This affects Chin, as his ball rimmed around one cup and spun out. I grabbed Squires, looked her in the eye, and say "Squires, baby, just give me one cup." I was trying to build her up over Chin's jeers and all I needed her to do was hit one of the remaining 3 cups, and I would bring it home. She focused and hit her cup, "In your face Chin!" I jump up and down with her, but I quickly refocus, in order to hit my cup and bring the balls back. I aimed about 10 times, with Chin dancing wildly in my view, and once the ball left my hand, I knew it was going in....Splash! Me and Squires and hugging each other, Sweeney is laughing harder now, and Chin appeared as if someone had ran over his XBOX, he was ready to strangle Sweeny first, and then everyone else. Perfection in 10 cup beer pong, is the stuff of urban legends because it is so difficult to achieve. You have to be nearly flawless and your opponents have to be blind or something. However as I stood beside Squires, with the thunder flashing in the background, I realized that this was meant to be. The Lord had sent this angel names Squires to accompany me, in my quest for glory, and it was one cup away. Squires focused on the last cup and missed the shot, to Chin's delight. Before I allow myself to get caught up in the exchange of insults, I grabbed Squires aside and looked her in the eyes. "Perfection is one cup away and we must seize this opportunity as few are ever in this position. You blow on this ball and you believe with all your heart Squires that we are destined for greatness and it will be so....Jesus wants us to!" I held up the ball and sensually, she blew on the ball before I let it fly without aiming. The room grew quiet, as everyone watched the ball fly......................................................................................................................splash! SUCCESS!!! As hard as he could, Chin slapped the last cup off the table and into the wall, Sweeny exploded in laughter, and Squires and I embraced in pure joy, as I can't believe what had just occurred. It was one thing to achieve perfection, but to evoke a cosign from Jesus and then to back it up against Chin, PRICELESS! According to the rules of 10 cup beer pong, if you have a perfect victory, your opponents must take a naked lap and this is why perfection is highly sought after. The fact that it now rained furiously, was only icing on the cake. Sweeny wasn't phased by the loss, so while laughing, he stripped down in front of us and bolted out of the screen door behind him to take a naked lap around 1502. Squires and I then have to prod Chin into doing the same and eventually he stepped out onto the patio and took his naked lap. Never have I ever been more excited to see the pale ass cheeks of other males. Sweeny eventually heads home and later in the evening, Cass, Stev, Chin, Squires and I continue our pregame. We head out to a house party with the intent being to head to Charley's and then Ricks. On our way from the house party, we crossed Packard St, and Chin literally disappeared. He said no words, no texts and it was so slick, that the rest of us were left in the middle of Packard St with our heads on a swivel asking, "Where is Chin?" Stev and I had an inkling as to where he was because this was when Chin was annoyingly in his love triangle with freshman "busy," who wasn't about him and grad school Whitney who WANTED Chin. Naturally, Chin chased the girl who was not for him and disregarded Whitney who was mature and cute in her own right. In fact, we were on our way to Charley's to meet up with Whitney and her friends, so it was a bit fucked up, that he just disappeared. We eventually arrived at Charley's and of course, tipsy Whitney greeted us with, "Where's Chin?" Where's Chin?" Where's Chin?" I don't want to lie to the girl but, what was I going to tell her, so Cass, Stev and I answered her inquires with, "Oh he's on his way!" We progress towards Rick's to continue our night and Squires and I eventually wound up on the dance floor. I'm sure she was hesitant, but according to the signs, she was feeling it and so was I, so I leaned in and we kissed. We continued dancing and kissing and sometime later, out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed a flash streak across Rick's, as it was fairly empty that night. The person approached Squires and I and it was Chin. Whitney was excited to see him, but in one quick motion, he stepped in between me, said something to Cass about pawning Whitney off to me,  grabbed Squires by the hand and disappeared once again. It was entirely hilarious, so I looked at Stev and asked out loud, "If that was Wheeler with Squires, do you think he would have done that?" Simultaneously we answered my question, "Nah!!!" Admittedly, I was a bit miffed, because it was like he believed that I wasn't good enough for Squires or something. I never discussed the subject with him and it was a year later at 1502's Easter reunion, while we discussed his love triangle, that he explained that ever since he befriended Wheeler, he had always desired Wheeler to hookup with Squires (to bring them closer idk). Thus seeing her, enthralled with me shattered that fantasy. As he explained this, my only thought was "Maybe if you chased the right girl, these things won't happen!" So when he was trying to convince me to crash Austin's wedding, his favorite phrase was, "I'm going let her make her own decisions." However, I would not be surprised that on their drive from Illinois to Michigan, Chin coached her up with something like, "I swear to God Squires, I don't care how irresistible it is, YOU BETTER NOT KISS MICHAEL O!" Squires and I talked at the reception, and she claimed she did not remember our first encounter....Right! She didn't marry that boyfriend, shocker I know, but I doubt it had anything to do with me. It was probably more about the fact that you won't marry everyone you date (some people find that hard to believe). So that's the story behind Squires and though she plans to marry every boyfriend she has, she will always hold a special place in my heart as my "Perfection Angel."

          (3) At the reception, I found a roll of caution tape (you'll see in the pics) and being in a good mood, I fashioned a crossing guard belt because I always wanted to be a crossing guard but never had the opportunity. Thus it was while I wore this that one mom, looked at the piece across my waist and then zeroed in on my crotch region and as sultry as she could said, "Aren't you wearing that a bit high?" Her statement gave me pause, so it took a moment for me to realize that was indeed and innuendo, as I was the only chocolate flavored person there. The weird thing though was, her husband was standing right next to her smiling sheepishly at me! I was like, "Oh shit! Are they swingers?" So without a word, I grabbed the piece around my waist and lowered it and the whole outside bar exploded. So when I read Chin's post, he wrote it as if, I showed up and "all the dildo's came out" or something but NO! They started it and had I not been shitfaced at the end of the night, I would have possible investigated to see if "Caution Milf" was really serious about her sultry talk. I LOVE mature, older women, because as a boy I saw Diane Lane in "Unfaithful" and I have always loved that brand of women since then. 

          (4) Chin and I were shitfaced before we left the reception hall. On various tables there were cameras for the guests to take pictures to add to the memories. So when Chin and I went to grab our jackets he zips down his pants and takes a picture of his cheeks and says to me, "Take a picture of your dick," naturally I respond, "YEA!!!" I took the picture and then we ran outside to catch a cab. Thus the next day, in much more sober state, Chin and I were messaging and we asked, "Why the hell did we do that?" At the reception, it failed to dawn on us that I was the only black guy there so I couldn't claim it was someone else. Chin wrote about it very calmly, but I'm telling you, for 3 weeks after the fact he was nervous as hell when we would text saying things like, "Oh man, I hope Austin doesn't trip." I looked at it like, Chin's ass cheeks can pass for Caucasian so I was the one who would catch grief if anything happened. However, I wasn't truly worried because whoever processed the pictures was either going to frame them or toss them out, because these were the old school "clicker wheel" cameras, where you can only see the film after it's processed. We probably shouldn't have done it but as Chin was tripping, this was when the Ohio State scandal broke through. Thus I told Chin, "Have you learned nothing from Jim Tressel? Deny, deny, deny, you have plausible denialbility as long as you don't tag the pictures on Facebook, we're good!" So that was "Weddings, with Chin's and Squires, Oh my!" Nothing happened between Squires and I, but it was still a good time and now you may go read Chin's post as your homework. 

Chin's Post(with pics)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Porter/Offili Wedding: Saturday

           I awoke to Serah next to me and the realization that I was officially "Phone-less" was what clouded my mind as we laid in bed for awhile and talked before she excused herself to make breakfast. She realized that she was out of materials so we decided to venture over to Kroger. As I awaited on the sidewalk for her to pull her car out from behind the house, I noted how immaculate the weather was. I looked over to the neighbors house and there was a patch of yellow flowers that grew eagerly so I walked over and plucked one. Either I made it up or had a moment of recall, but sometime during my interaction with Serah, she mentioned the fact that she loved yellow flowers. Thus as I boarded the car from the passenger side, I presented it to her and she gushed sheepishly. It's the little things. Upon our return from Kroger, I sat down to watch TV while she set herself in the kitchen to make a bacon, egg and hash brown delight. According to her, it wasn't her "best effort," but I was hardly at the Ritz  Carlton, with an almost empty pony keg, just to the left of my feet. I brushed her notion aside because in this day and age where many undergraduate women cannot boil water, to have one fuck the shit out of you, then proceed to satisfy your hunger, what more could I want? That's as good as it's likely to get on any campus. We finished our meal because she had to get to work and I had to head home in time for my closing shift at Rite Aid. I quickly retrieved all of my clothes and she drove me over to Hotel Arch, which luckily was open despite the house being empty due to the track meet. Quickly, I secured my backpack and hopped onto my bike to return home. I REALLY did not feel like going to work, but the fact that seemingly everyone I wanted to hangout with was at the wedding, I had no better alternatives, thus I turned my bike on and headed for the highway.

          I made it home with about 30 minutes to spare before I had to head to work. The whole ride down, I was troubled with what I was going to do about my phone. I purchased the phone myself after I was kicked off the family plan so replacing it would rest with me. Even worse, I realized that the following week, I had 3 separate phone interviews for various jobs and positions I had applied for. Rite Aid was pissing me off, because they hired me as full time, manager in training, but since my hiring, I only managed to break more than 30 hours once from January to the end of May! It was truly fed up with them because my head boss, would give me these silly little criticisms about how much more I had to learn but naturally I felt like they were retarded. In my 3 and a half months there I never received any formal "training" from her, thus everything I learned about how to run the store I learned from asking or from the second in command. She was a wonderful woman and she dotted on me and was in my corner, even telling her bosses boss, that I was ready to run the store the day I walked in and that if they did not officially promote me, that they would loose me. So I love her for that and during the following week, it was because of her that I FINALLY received my promotion interview. However by that point I was DONE with Rite Aid as a corporation. I had to discover from a pharmacy tech that what was holding up my promotion was payroll. The store simply could not afford me, yet instead of coming and telling me this, the head manager would try to make it seem like it was my fault because I didn't push boxes hard enough or something, when I was working my ass off. Aside from me and another boy, everyone else at the store were women who were over 55 years old. So if you can imagine, guess who was doing a fair share of the grunt work? Even worse, the head manager would schedule me mornings and evenings with no particular order from week to week so I could not even pick up a second job. So if you can imagine, it's a COLD COLD winter, I'm dealing with this subterfuge at work, my dad is overseas criticizing me for being "having no direction," and being "unmotivated," PLUS I was dealing with her. You add this all up and I was going INSANE, because in my week to week, there was nothing that gave me joy. Yes I was writing "Galfing: A Young Man's Guide" but you have to realize what propelled me through the writing process was hurt feelings, so it was more a chore than actual excitement. I was trapped in this cycle of perpetual greyness and I didn't know how to get out. THAT'S WHY, the 1502 Easter reunion was such a godsend because it reminded of good times. It was almost like awakening out of hibernation because I was like, "Oh Yea! I am Michael O, I do love beautiful things, I'm not unmotivated!" So even if I received the offer from Rite Aid, I was already SOLD on the other two. One I cannot recall the first but the other was an Americorp position. Thus with the two phone interviews and the Rite Aid one the following week, me not having a phone was going to be a nuisance, and it was with this thought that I went into work with.  

          As soon as I arrived, the store grew extremely busy and Rite Aid, being purposely short staffed to save costs, I was the only one up front to deal with the lines of customers. In my time there, I had grown a following with the repeat customers because all of those old ladies at the registers were EXTREMELY slow, so people liked me for my speed. Thus I was trying to speed through the lines as fast as possible, while thinking of what to do about my phone. Shortly after, this young lady approaches with a can of Bud. I ID her because we carded anyone under 30. I forget her actual birthday but I recall saying out loud, "Oh that's young!" The line was about 10 people long so in not wanting to waste anymore time, I quickly rang her up and began servicing the next customer. However 1 second after the young lady steps out of the store, I do the math in my head and realize, "Wait! She was 20 not 21." Fuck! One thing Rite Aid was clear on was teaching about not selling to minors and in that instant I had the thought to run after her but more people had joined the line so I was stuck at the register. I tried to forget about it and quickly rang up the rest of the customers and focused on getting through my shift. About 50 minutes later, when the store was empty, this grey haired white dude walked up to the counter and smiled strangely at me. I thought he was about to ask me out when he said, "Do you remember selling to a minor." FUCK!!! What could I say? I put my head down and shook it solemnly. I looked at him and said, "Yea, I remember, there was a rush and my mind was elsewhere, so I only recall my mistake after she left the store." He flashed his badge and asked me to get the manager. The assistant manager was working in the office and so I went to fetch her and told her about my gaff. I could see the dread wash over her face. She was really excited that she finally got me my promotion interview, so she had foreknowledge of what my blunder meant. We finished up with gray hair and called the head manager and according to official policy, I was "suspended" until further notice to investigate if this was something I did regularly. I returned home thinking, "What more could go wrong?" Plus like I explained to my mother, "Yea I hated Rite Aid, but to leave them I wouldn't purposely commit a crime" because now the State could prosecute me or hit me with an insane fine if they discovered this was something I habitually did. So now I sat at home with no phone, no job and at that point, the wedding was already over. Porter/Offili were married out in Ypsilanti but they chose to have the reception in Livonia(not near) for some odd reason. Livonia is in my backyard so I realized I was now free and I  did not want to sit at home and wallow. I grabbed our house phone, which is a cellphone because we don't have a domestic line(more on this later), and sent Stev a text, after I found his number in an old email. 

          I wanted to go to the reception but officially I wasn't invited, and it was projected to rain. I inquired Stev's opinion and he was just was "wishy washy" with his response. Then in a moment of clarity it struck me. I didn't like how indecisive I had been lately. This was directly against the type of man I'm striving to become so I said, "Fuck it!" If it rained I would simply turn around and go home and at the reception, the worst they would do is not feed me or send me home. They weren't going to shoot me, so I made an executive decision. I rode down to the barber shop and received a haircut ($15 dollars plus tip!!! Remember when those were around $5??? Damn shame!). I returned home, showered, donned my suit and rode over to the reception manor. I made my way through the halls to the correct reception hall and the ladies in front of the tables greeted me by asking my name. I gave it to them and they began to search for my name. When they couldn't find it, one of them replied, "I'm sorry, I couldn't find it." Admittedly, my heart was slightly racing at this point but I figured, "Hey I've come this far." So I looked at the women and said, "What?" Recall, "Offili" is a Nigerian name and I'm Nigerian so I gave my name again, and they continued looking. I started reading names that I did recognize, and continued with, "What do you mean you can't find my name? Joe Strizich, that's almost my best friend and Frank, I damn near raised him since his freshman year!" "And the Academy Award for best actor goes to....Michael O!" At this point, they are terrified saying, "Oh I'm SOO sorry sir, the mistake must be ours. Follow me we have the perfect table for you." One of the ladies, led me into the reception hall and the seat she seats me next to is right next to none other than Stev. I can't make this shit up. Everyone at the table including Dre, Stan, Stev, Anneve, Smilez are like, "Mike O? What are you doing here?" "What is going on here?"(Inside joke). I laugh and respond, "The real question is, "What am I NOT doing here? I need a drink!" I quickly learn from Stev that his night with "Crazy Rachel" ended with a gun, some Ypsilanti thugs, and her pissing on the couch, but trying to blame it on him. If that isn't "crazy," I don't know what is! I laugh and elaborate that my night with Serah was SIGNIFICANTLY better. We then head over to the open bar and the wise cracking Jerry served us our drinks. He was a fun time all night and the reception went swimmingly. I realized that many people I would not have associated with as an undergrad, now that I am an alumni, I have love for the whole Wolverine family. It was great to see many young Wolverines, all trying to pursue great endeavors because I'm trying to do great things. I was not misfit at all, because between Porter and Offilli(I guess officially Porter at that point), many of the people that they knew, I knew as well. We ate, drank, laughed, and were entertained by this CRACK Nigerian dance team, with the drums and matching outfits as well. They killed it! Next there was a video montage of Jeff and Tiffany, and even how he almost bust his ass on ice skates, then recovered to get down on one knee and propose to her there on the rink, it was really cute. Eventually we hit the dance floor and "Stereo Love" was by far the highlight. The Dub Step is this little dance that is huge in Europe and Stan introduced it to us to add to our routine in Mock Rock(a charity talent show for terminally ill children at UofM). The dance is alright enough, but I would have never guessed that a year after learning it, we would still be doing it. When you get three or more people in a line doing it all in unison, I'm telling you, you could be in a cemetery and people will go wild! It's to the point when I go out now and hear Stereo Love, my head is instinctively on a swivel like, "Stev, Stan!" until I realize I'm alone, so it's kind of sad in a way. However, when St., Stev, Stan and I danced to Stereo Love at the wedding, the place went crazy! "What is that dance?" "Teach it to me?" I don't even know the full steps because it wasn't my scene in Mock Rock, but I guess I have to learn it, along with the rest of the Dougie and the "Cat Daddy," which is the hot new craze. The last dance I actually tried to learn was "The Jerk," so I guess it's so many dances so little time. The reception eventually ended and everyone hopped into their cars, and I on my bike to head back to AA. 

          Naturally, we decide to head to Ricks, while another group decides to head to Main St. Inside, we have fun, drink, laugh and dance on stage. A while ago, I said I was off Asian girls, here's why. I danced by myself, in between songs and this Asian girl, walked up to the stage with her friend and rudely asked me to move out of the way. I assumed she simply wanted to get onto the stage so I slid over and let her but then she does or says something rude again and I had to respond. Next thing I know, we're in a verbal spat and I'm asking her, "What is your fucking problem?" However she continues to the point, I look at her friend and say, "You better tell your girl to shut up talking to me, before she gets stepped on!" This chick would NOT shut up. She continued with something like, "Look at you, can't get a girl," or something to the effect. Oh really? Thus for the rest of the night, I make it my point to find girls that are MORE attractive than her and dance right in front of her, as she stood alone, looking salty. Never have I ever, disliked a girl that intently, that quickly! Secondly, she brought back memories of my 2 Asian hookups which were both TERRIBLE! This one chick, had me on the Rick's stage HATING her whole race. I felt like "Chin on a Sunday afternoon, better than a Chin who says yes too soon." Thus I do not know how long my embargo will last, all I know is that they will NOT love me long time. Closing time was called and having not secured any prospects for the evening, I joined the group to head back to Hotel Arch. Now we had a dilemma because there was not enough beds for people to sleep in. Thus Stev goes home with Meg, who lives just down the street. Smilez lends his car to Stann/Anneve so that they could drive back to their hotel room, and Dre, Smilez and I, venture into the basement. There we find a hulk of a girl sprawled out against two couches. We don't know who she is but then two skinny white dudes come down after us and reveal that she is "Ashley" and they are friends of Jack, a resident of Hotel Arch. They try to wake her up, because she is taking so much space on the couch but they can't so I'm not sure who started it, but Dre or Smilez began to call her "Smashly Evans." I had already secured the couch by the stairs so I laid down as I observed the next scene. Smilez laid on the floor thus the 3, not strong people in the room, decide to pick Smashly up and forcefully evict her from the couch. I watched as Dre and the 2 white dudes attempted to pick Smashly up, and just as immediately her head drops with her legs in the air. I laughed saying, "You guys are about to kill that girl." However, she still was not awake, so they return her to the couch and resort to throwing things at her to wake her up. "Smashly get up!" "Smashly, wake your ass up!" I'm dying laughing because, they're throwing remotes, video game controllers, shoes, etc at this chick! Groggily, she eventually wakes up and sits up, and for someone who almost had her neck broken and insults literally and figuratively hurled at her, she was in a great mood. At that moment, someone says my name and I lament about the fact that I would rather be in a bed than a couch, but because I had the house phone, I had no numbers. The five of them pick up on my house phone comment and start laughing. They kept cracking jokes and I didn't know what was so funny about the fact that I had a house phone, that's a cell phone. I didn't know then, and I fail to see the humor now. Anyways, I passed out at around 6 in the morning so with all things considered, what could have been a terrible weekend, turned out to be quite enjoyable. In closing, and returning to the reception, when I eventually ran across Porter, he greeted me and said, "Thank you for coming out. Why weren't you at the wedding?" I looked over at Dre, laughed and shook my head.


Porter/Offili Wedding: Friday Night

          As was custom, I hopped onto my motorcycle with my backpack on my back and packed, I headed onto the highway towards the highway to travel to AA. The Waithe's were in town(minus Stevie), Smilez, Dre, you name it, many people were going to be in town because Porter was FINALLY tying the knot with Ofilli. Since I began hanging with all these track stars, I had heard of the ensuing wedding and I wanted to go because Porter was inviting damn near EVERYBODY. A few weeks back, at 1502's Easter reunion, he had suggested that Dre could bring a date. I told Dre that if he didn't find a date he should invite me, and so he agreed. The wedding approached and I heard nothing from him, can't say I was shocked. Let me elaborate. 

          Dre is notorious for falling short on certain endeavors and engagements. The summer before 1502 was born, I found myself alone in the house this certain weekend. Wheeler, Stev, and Chin were home for the summer and Cass had a volleyball thing, or was vacationing with her family or hunting down black bananas to impregnate our fridge with for her banana bread that everyone but her was aware she would NEVER make, I digress but the point is I was home alone. Coming off junior year, 5th Quarter was still respectable to venture into, thus when I received the text invite from somebody, I accepted and went. I made my way in and one of the first people I witnessed was Dre. Seeing a friendly face, we exchanged pleasantries and Dre tells me he is hosting his friends from somewhere faraway like Kalamazoo. He then invited me to his after party. I said, "Cool, where is it?" "Your house." "Oh you DON'T say Dre!" I laughed and simply said, "Just inform me earlier if you're going to throw a party at my house." Thus for the rest of the night, Dre invited people, mostly girls,  to said after party. He was a man on a mission and so at the end of the night, we expected a decent turnout. As we headed for the exits, we coordinated the liquor purchasing and all. Dre disappears. I was standing with his friends so we all decide to head over to Bell's Pizza while they try to locate Dre. We get the pizza and return to the car, and 40 minutes elapsed and we hear NO reply from Dre, no calls, texts, emails, carrier pigeons, etc. His friends, 3 guys and a girl, get PISSED! Finally Dre responds and texts that the after party is "canceled." The whole car lets out a collective "This Nigga!" "Motherfucker!" "Oh he's just not going tell anyone?" I'm laughing, the girl was passing out next2 me in the backseat but the 2 dudes are LIVID! Through bouts of expletive laden statements, they make the executive decision to drive back home at 3:30 in the morning instead of spend the night. Then it hits me, "Fuck! I gotta get back to the crib." Kindly they drop me off, and I point them towards the highway and sure enough, there were people on our front lawn like a Dave Matthew's concert. So I get to shooing them away and for the next two hours, people showed up for the after party. Funny side note to this side story, I later discovered that from Bell's, Dre had been less than 1 minute away from us, at those apartments on top of Blue Front. So though we didn't know it at the time, when his friends told him that we were awaiting him at Bell's, he knew he was less than a stone's throw away from us. Oh Dre. As you can imagine he was doing his thing, with a certain young lady. She played a sport, which involves a ball.

          A few months later, during fall of our senior year, Dre planned this elaborate party. He hyped it for what seemed like 2 months, it was all over Facebook, the drinks were described as "unlimited," and he even hired a professional DJ. This was supposed to be a BANGER because it was labled "The Party Of The Year!" I grew excited! One thing I never liked about Ann Arbor is that Friday nights tend to be dead and it's because of Football. People will go out HARD on Thursdays, chill Fridays so that they can get up to tailgate on Football Saturdays. This is what led us to create our "Live from 1502" events, which you can read in my novel "Galfing: A Young Man's Guide." So I was REALLY excited for this party and in fact that Friday night, Cass had a volleyball game so after Chin, Stev, Wheeler, and I cheered her on with such classics like "Put Cassie In!" and "Let's Go Boobs!", we rushed home to eat, shower and get freshly dressed for the evening. As the four of us, stepped onto our tiny porch, our phones chirped in unison. Everyone retrieved their phone and...."This nigga!" Dre struck again! This man had thrown the "Party Of The Year" and 30 minutes after it was scheduled to start, he was contacting everyone he knew, asking for......A HOUSE! I could not believe this shit, as everyone exploded in laughter but I was kind of hurt. That evening, I made NO other plans, I told people where to find me, it was all over my Facebook, and I wasn't addicted to Call Of Duty like the boys were, so my night was shot. We would have let him host at 1502, but for the numbers he was projecting, our house was too small and it would have been too much work on too short notice. Despondently, I threw my hands in the air and turned around saying, "I quit!" Sure enough, the boys turned on the XBOX and I walked to my room to go to bed. Dre graduated at the end of fall semester and we saw him sparingly after that, but if it weren't for my music, I WOULDN'T consider him a friend today. He was one of the first people to realize I was serious with my music and I must say this. I recall one night, as I was coming from, or on my way to Rick's and I ran across Dre. He was with his cousin and two cute girls and after introducing me, he says, "Hey Mike, I wanna be your manager." I was drunk, but I promptly sobered up, cocked my head, squinted my eyes, raised one eyebrow and said, "Really, umm....we'll talk about it." Oh Dre. However, to his credit he came through on many of the beats I used on my first musical project "No Spaces."

          Fast forward to the Friday before the Porter/Ofilli nuptials and I knew I wasn't going to the wedding because Dre had struck again, but it was still going to be a fun time so I hopped onto my bike and rode down M-14 towards Ann Arbor. On my way, this certain car was riding my ass in the slow lane. Thus I drift left for him to pass me, and just then a fierce gust of wind rips through my  chest and the music I was listening to suddenly stops. I reached for my pocket because I figured a bump must have accidentally pushed a button, but then I couldn't feel my phone! Frantically, I patted around and still could not feel it in my pocket, and then the grim realization of what must have occurred struck me. "FUCK!!!!!!" At that split second, I thought about turning around in the grassy median and attempting to find my Crackberry but with the busy highway and me on a motorcycle that was sure to lead to death. I looked to my right and some jackass is pointing backwards and violently shaking his head up and down, confirming my fear. The rest of the ride towards AA was one long exercise in expletives for expressing extreme emotion. I get to town and I have no way of contacting my sister or anyone else. I made my way over to Hotel Arch and it was locked because apparently there was a track meet. I then realized that aside from my number and my mom's old work number, I know ZERO phone numbers by heart. Remember when you had to memorize phone numbers? Technology is a bitch! I hopped back onto my bike and said, "Think Michael!" For some reason I decide to head to the library. I assumed that with the computers, I could utilize Facebook, or email to contact someone. I walked into the Ugli (Undergraduate Library) and the first person I saw in the main room was none other than Jen! Jen was the ultimate "guys girl" and we shared a kiss once upon a time and were supposed to hook up but it never happened and I don't recall why. However, she was a class ahead of me so I assumed she was on her "grown woman" and being a dedicated nurse. However I learned that she was also in a masters program at UM hence her presence in the library on a Friday evening. When I expressed mine, she BUSTED out laughing and playfully I hit her on the arm. She offered her phone and again I know, no numbers but luckily she had Stev's number so I sent a text to explain my dilemma. When he eventually replies he expressed that He, Cass, Kenzo, and Smilez, were making their way to Tomukun, the site of my first sake bomb during the Easter reunion. I greeted Jen goodbye and I returned to Hotel Arch to drop my belongings off. This time, the house is open and I greet Braun and St. before heading towards E Liberty St. 

          I arrived at Tomukun, and everyone smiled sheepishly at me. "I need a drink!" I say as we laugh and start interacting. We spend the rest of the time drinking, eating, taking pictures and telling stories. The sexy waitress from our Easter reunion, who was writing the thesis with the world's longest title, was again our server. Kenzo and I headed over to the main bar to watch the Wings vs. Sharks playoff, hockey game because apparently he "hated the Red Wings." Somehow the Sharks had jumped out to a 3 game to none lead and this was reason to taunt. Is there even ice in California? I simply told him, "If we win tonight, we're coming back and winning game seven." The Wings won that game to the delight of the entire bar but Kenzo. The Wings eventually took the series to a game seven before they lost so we'll have to get those damn Sharks next year. The group paid our bill and we decided to make our way towards Carnival. We played pool, and sang karaoke before deciding to head down the street to Live. On our way, we literally stumbled across a woman outside of Blind Pig as she smoked a cigarette. According to Louis Griffen from Family Guy, "If she smokes she pokes!" As it goes, I believe the cigarette represents a phallic symbol, and am I yet to see a trend that refutes this notion. Stev began talking to her and we all made our way to Live. We entered and the place was scarcely populated but there are more women than men. We ordered drinks and eventually made our way to the dance floor. We danced and carried one like we do and we all tried to get the smoker chick out of her shell, but something was off about her. Eventually a group of women made it over to us and I began dancing with one. When we stop dancing, I struck up a conversation with her and her group and she tells me one of the girls was her daughter! WHAT??? I would have never guessed because in terms of attractiveness, mommy was KILLING the daughter. I couldn't even tell she had children, much less a grown one. If I get married, I NEED a wife that ages as gracefully. At that moment, Smilez laments that he has to go pick up Dre from the train station, as for some reason, Dre scheduled his trip from Chicago to AA, to arrive at 1 am. We decide to leave Live and despite not having any friends, or plans, the smoker chick, flakes on joining us for the rest of the evening. Thus Smilez drops Kenzo, Cass, Stev and I off at Ricks before heading off to await Dre. 

          Ricks was moderately packed as we made our way down the stairs. We order our drinks and everyone separates and starts doing their own thing. I spent about 30 minutes greeting people I hadn't seen in months but naturally I ended up on stage to dance with the crew once Dougie, or "You're a Jerk" came on. While front and center on the stage, I spot that Smilez has arrived and next to him is Dre. So in the middle of my Dougie, I spot him and I threw up both middle fingers at him while I still danced and this sheepish look crept across his face. When the song ended, I eventually talked to him and he explained that it was his "bad," but that he himself had confirmed really late for the wedding. At that moment, I was drunk and over it, and more importantly closing time was in less than 15 minutes and I had put in no work in terms of finding a girl. Thus I took a stroll around the bar and as I turned the corner to climb the stairs to the main bar, I saw her as she approached me from around the corner. To my surprise it is none other than Serah. I hadn't seen her since 3 weeks prior at  our Easter reunion romp that Stev was a witness of. As soon as our eyes locked, it was magnetically instantaneous. She approached me, as I leaned against a wooden rail, and we kissed for what seemed like 5 minutes. When we withdrew from each other, she said, "I love how when I see you, we're all over each other without a word." No words were needed so I grabbed her and continued. Shortly after, the DJ called last call and the patrons collectively made their way out of the bar. As Serah and I made our way up the metallic stairs, I spotted Stev with "Crazy Rachel," this girl that Cass introduced him to and she actually might be crazy so I immediately thought to myself, "That CAN'T end well..." However, I had a sultry siren on my arm so where was my focus at? We made our way onto the sidewalk and turned left to begin heading to her house which is off White St. Like our Easter trip, we passed by an alley, in between these two houses and quickly, she PULLED me into it. This spot, next to a rickety, old wooden stair case is so unassuming that we can see the patrons walking down the sidewalk to our right but they can't see us. Naturally, we begin to go at it with our lips. As the seconds pass, her moans become more eager as she is about to burst with desire. When she can't stand it any longer, she lets out this little shrill and pushes me against the house. Furiously, she attacks my belt and pulls me towards her but without my hands. She then proceeded to bend over and initiate head, while I'm leaned back against the house, jeans around my knees, while watching people walk on the sidewalk to the left of us. I LOVE college! That alley way loving, I felt like Chin in Mexico in the summer of 2010 (Oh you thought we forgot about that motherfucker!). Shortly after, we HAVE to get back to Serah's place because I was ready to give her body an "O"utstanding workout. So the entire walk back to her place, we're all over each other and this makes walking in straight lines, impossible. Eventually, we reached her house and we began in the shower with the warm water cascading over us, as the temperature paled in comparison to the heat we generated. Things get rough and rugged and we broke her shower railing as I attempted to clutch onto it for leverage. This amused her as she let out a chuckle so I shrugged and nakedly lead her from the tub to her bedroom. She pushed me into her bed, and with as much fervor as the bathroom, we attacked her bed. Long story short, I put it down, as any respectable Galfer should, and so the answer is "YES!" I had a good night...

Friday, July 15, 2011

Guess Who's Bzack!

          Last night at Charley's it came to my attention that I haven't been blogging in a while. I ventured to Ann Arbor to see little sister and hit up Cass, and as I sit here currently, I am still awaiting a reply(Are we beefing again???) Anyways I walked into Charley's and ran into Serah and her crew. When I look back on 2011, Serah is definitely going to be one of my favorite girls because she helped break me free from she who shall not be spoken of (Harry Potter just came out, I had to sneak that in). However, I hadn't seen Serah in over a month and a half because she contracted that disease that is known as "Boyfrienditis." TERRIBLE. Here's how I discovered this, a  month and a half ago, I was literally about to hop onto my bike and ride down to AA, as we were furiously "sexting." Mid "sext" session, she hits me with, "I have a boyfriend." My reply was something witty but her next text was "You have to stop, because I want to fuck the shit out of you!" I exploded in laughter! What the hell is a red blooded American male supposed to say to that? "Okay, I'll go fold laundry?" Doesn't suffice. So I told her that it was her fault that I haven't been blogging could be true. 

          Here's the thing, I was getting of her so I realized that for a while, I am OVER "nice girls." If they come calling, "Michael O is NOT hiring!" I realized with Serah, there isn't much I could suggest to her and she would not be down. "Let's go rob a bank,"<>"When and where?" "Let's seduce that girl and have a threesome with her,"<>"You or me!"(We actually discussed this about a "LAY YOU DOWN FINEEEEEEE!!!!" neighbor of hers). I digress. This trait is ULTRA sexy, and one that the next girl I'm serious with MUST possess. So there I was, all black and handsome, realizing this about Serah and she came down with the "itis." Happens to the best of us (but I got that antidote when u NEED it gurl!), so I wished her luck and curiously asked her how he pulled her. Apparently, he was charming and great in the sack. Who knew? Here I was thinking girls LOVE non-confident, "nice guys." I guess I should read "Galfing: A Young Man's Guide." What asshole wrote that again??? My professor LOVED the first couple of chapters I sent him and so he responded, "Michael, did you change names to protect yourself legally?" I laughed and responded "Of course I did, what is this amateur hour?" So that's what I've been doing, I had to edit it before it can be sent out for review and so I managed to whittle it down from 115,000k to 100,000k words. This was tedious work and it was hard to stare at a computer screen all day, and then turn around and blog. Also my guy hit me up and told me an A&R at Interscope was trying to transition to the producing side of things so he is looking for some hot, new, original music. So I had to plan the next musical project. I HUNTED all the beats, wrote all the songs and have been networking with various people to help out. It will be 16 tracks and I am employing music from producers who worked for Lil Wayne, and Rick Ross, etc, so it will be FIRE! I have a name picked out but I'm not releasing it yet, so stay up for that coming in late August-September. However, as for now, I am back, and I'll blog like I never left.