"Post-Graduation: Home And Heartbreak (Part 6)"

          We were communicating all of the time through text messages and phone calls and though we first had sex back in late November, our relationship really didn't pick up till January. This was due to the fact that we took a mini break in December that was initiated by moi. When thinks go badly, I have this habit (not sure if it is good or bad yet) of over analyzing things and seeing the world in black and white. For example, that ticket that I received the day I moved home from Ann Arbor, the city sent the details to Hotel Arch because this is where the officer made me walk my bike to. Apparently, I was supposed to appear in court and didn't know about it until after the fact, so my license was suspended. In my opinion it was bullshit because by the time that I found out, there was nothing I could do. Thus a $35 dollar ticket ended up costing just under $500 dollars in various fees. A fee that at the time, I had no way of paying due to my lack of employment. At around the same period, my phone seemingly fell harmlessly from the windowsill. However when I picked it up, I realized that the screen had been damaged because the phone was still operational but the screen was black. As I was under a family plan and the two years had run out, my mother refused to buy a new phone because she had wanted to kick me off the plan since before graduation. So let's recap what I was going through. 1.) I didn't have a license and could not drive anywhere (not that I had a car of my own). 2.) I didn't have a phone and had to resort to email, Google/Facebook/Yahoo chat, plus carrier pigeons for communication. 3.) I was unemployed. 4.) My student loan payments were due and NONE of them seemed to care that I was "employment challenged". 5.) My father was STILL across the continent criticizing my "lack of direction." 6.) The release of my next musical project, "The Graduate" was pushed back due to underfunding (In this past year, I've learned that ALOT goes into getting a song released for public enjoyment). 7.) And finally, the onset of winter meant that it was cold, and gray all of the time. This meant that I was literally trapped in the house. 

          I received the news that my license was suspended the day before Christmas so before my mother took her missionary trip, she sat me down and had this long, diatribe about how "irresponsible" I was, and that everything that was happening to me was a reflection of this. She was urged on by my father, but what hurt the most was that I realized how out of touch my parents were on who I was. Thus, it reinforced the idea that I couldn't depend on them. If I was going to be anything in this world then I had to make my own way. My parent's saw my unemployment as me having no direction. The ironic thing however, was that if I had secured that big job and had been paying some of these things, then I would have been the "greatest son ever." People say that money isn't everything, I say this is BULLSHIT! It's disingenuous when I hear this because life has CRUELLY taught me otherwise. Consider this analogy with sports. "Winning isn't everything!" YEA IT IS, when you didn't win. It's much easier to argue that "Winning isn't everything" as you hold the trophy in your hand. The same holds true with money.  I'd argue that 95% of the decisions that we make are financially based. Thus, I've been socialized that "having money = good", "not having money = bad." Apparently, it is a character flaw to be broke, so I said, "Fuck it!" Let's go make this money. This was a major selling point in my decision to want to attend law school. Personally, I would have settled for just an MBA as I prefer business. An MBA is much cheaper to attain, however, the law degree is arguably the most versatile degree that one can receive. Plus, there's money in it! So the idea was that I would take a break from Amanda and take the test in early February and then we could pick back up. It was logical decision, if I missed her it would spur me to "study harder" or something, but I had NO IDEA how much I would miss her.


          I thought of her daily but the night's were the hardest, as this was when we used to talk the most. On New Years Eve, I sent her a text message telling her that I missed her and was still thinking about her. She echoed the same sentiments. One night, during the following week, I couldn't take it anymore. I asked myself, "Why am I punishing myself as such?" If I thought of her constantly then I should be with her. If anything we could study together as she was still a student. I had this self debate for about 2 hours before picking up the house phone and calling her at around 4 am. I must have woken her from sleep as she sounded tired but it felt so relaxing simply to hear her voice. We next saw each other, the night of the Auburn/Oregon national championship game, and this is when things really picked up. We were back talking again, we would spend the day together, go out to eat, and have ALOT of intense, passionate, erotic, love making. She would even drive me around to apply for various jobs as it was winter time but I have to tell this one story that always makes me laugh. She would call me from work or school and in her cute, inquisitive tone she would ask, "What are you doing?" I would divulge what I was currently engaged in. For some reason or another she would be called away from the phone call, promising to call back when she was free. I always assumed that her being free would be in a few hours. WRONG! Minutes and sometimes seconds later, she would call back and begin with, "What are you doing?" When I first took notice of this, my response was something along the lines of "Ummm...nothing." In my mind, if you call me minutes apart, odds are that I am doing the SAME THING. I once counted the time between her phone calls and it was 23 seconds apart! I remember that phone call as I almost snapped at her like, "Look here! Why do you think that I am doing something different from mere seconds ago?" We ended that phone call and I immediately called Ray asking, "Ayo am I ignorant? Is this what people do in the real world?" He responded by simply laughing at me for a good 5 minutes. I like to think that I am charming, but "23 seconds apart charming?" Personally, I would have guessed 24 seconds, so she was close. However, I soon came to realize what was happening. I liked her and she liked me, so all we needed was a simple start and then we could engage in a marathon conversation. Thus, I quickly grew to like and appreciate her for this. She would call and expecting her to call back shortly, I would "find" things that I was doing. If I was watching TV when she first called, then the next time I would be "reading." If at first I was studying, then the next time I would be "chillen." The simplest thing was to throw out some random factoid to begin a conversation with, so I might say something like, "Wow. It's uncanny! That Barack Obama has a DEEP tan. I wonder if he's one of those African Americans?" Seriously, if you had told me a year prior that I would be doing something as "cute" as this, I would have said, "Shut up!" However, I really liked her.


          In case you were wondering, my world class sarcasm developed as a coping mechanism. In order to deal with them, I had to find the humor in some of the saddest situations in my life. Now when people meet me, they might take a joke as me being an insensitive asshole. This might have bothered a younger me, as I was still trying to fit in, but now I have the mentality of "Fuck you!" Only God can judge me and I honestly feel that way, but consider this fact. I recall when I logically analyzed suicide. From religion, I had been taught that suicide would screw you for eternity (that's a pretty LONG time). Plus, there would be no resolution. The reasons that drove you to take your own life, would still exist, and the emotional burden that you would suffer your loved ones would be unfair. Thus I concluded that for me, suicide was not a viable option. However, I can empathize with how someone can reach so low a point that they believe that this is the ONLY option. I can only pray that God has mercy on such souls because I could EASILY be one of them. Now I just turned 23, college educated, and can reason with you, so one would guess that suicide is a topic that I am now mature enough to handle. Here's the kicker, when I was thinking about these things, I was 7..8..9. If you were me, growing up like this, wouldn't you want to laugh as well? The alternative was God knows what, so I laughed my ass off and pushed down such dark feelings as far as possible (Chappelle Voice: "Surprise motherfucker! Michael O's tale is not all fun and games is it?). Thus, this has been the most challenging thing about writing "Galfing: A Young Man's Guide" because I am rehashing memories that I have long tried to suppress. The fun, the drinking, the sex, that was all easy to write about, but it is the personal memories that proved to be challenging as I tend to write vividly. I would write a piece that was inspired by my family and I would have get up and take a walk. This was because my eyes would tear up, my chest would tighten, as I was back in that moment. So the mere fact that I can even write about this on a blog, shows how far I have come because the younger me would have died first before letting anyone in. Thus this is the biggest thing that I want people to take away from the novel. It's a story of personal growth.  

          So Amanda would lay on top of me and earnestly ask, "Michael why do you like me?" I am not sure if she was expecting some poetic, "Never has the sun risen on such a beauty," but I learned something about myself. I am driven and NEED to be successful, it's past a want. I've been scarred by what my mother has endured in regards to my father, so I've promised myself that if I am not a millionaire,  I'm NOT getting married. It's written down and I am very serious about this. With that kind of mindset you can understand that success is really an obsession for me. I am going to make it big, or be in the insane asylum (so wish me luck lol). I had long assumed that people like me, meet other successful people and they do successful things together. So the revelation with Amanda was a surprise. She met me after my music started so I was just learning to be open about myself. She indicated that she didn't really know me, thus if I claimed to care about her then I had to open up to her. However, for the first time in my life, I was with a girl and wasn't ashamed about opening  up. I felt like I could tell her anything and this was HUGE to me. The world is crazy enough. Your spouse should be someone that completes you, keeps you at peace, and makes you a better version of yourself. These couples that are always at each others throats and call it "love" I call it bullshit! Couples are going to fight, that's fine, and healthy in some cases, because "Make-up sex" would be just sex, if there was nothing to makeup about. However, when things escalate to putting your hands on your spouse, pulling a weapon on them, cussing them out, police being involved, etc, that is TOO MUCH! I pray that I NEVER "love" anyone that much. So when Amanda would ask, "Why do you like me?" I had one answer. I had shifted from this paradigm of "successful people" and in doing so, had realized something about myself that I had known before her. I would look up at her and say, "Because I can just be. I don't have to put on airs, or pretend and more importantly I am not ashamed of telling you who I am. I can just be with you." She never indicated if this was an adequate response, and would quietly consider what I had said, before placing her head back on my chest. In her defense, she would have had to know me to realize why this was my answer. I don't think that I had fallen in love with her, but I was steps from the precipice. So there was no doubt that in the ensuing weeks, she would learn all of these things. Thus, we continued in our tryst through the rest of January but towards the end of the month, something changed...