Thursday, April 28, 2011

"Post-Graduation: Home And Heartbreak" (Part 2)

     A quick recap I had NO intention of heading home after graduation as I had a choice between a masters program at Wake Forest, or a marketing gig out in Illinois. However, my mother was starting to crack under the pressure of paying all of the bills by herself as my father was still overseas and not helping. Much of the graduation period was spent internally consumed by how I was going to help her out. She was working three, teaching shifts but was behind on the bills and house payments, PLUS all of the debt that my father had left her with. My father had missed graduation and so when he came home the next month, I was not sure how to feel when he visited 1502. It was close to two years since I had seen him so the entire scene was something out of a weird dream as he sat in the living room with the rest of my family. By that summer, I had met the rest of 1502's parents and honestly I felt a bit embarrassed that no one had met my father yet. So I remember feeling relieved that I had the house to myself that afternoon when he visited. However right before he was about to leave, Cass, Stev and Kenzo walked in the door. FUCK! I almost got away with my "secret meeting." If it were not happening to me then I could have laughed in that awkward moment. Out of guilt my father, apologized for missing graduation and PROMISED to pay my student loans until I secured a great job. I had the guilt noose right there in my hand and could have tightened it as hard as I could around his neck, but what was I going to do? I told him that it was alright. Again, I still had no intention of moving home but then I learned that my father was leaving again in a few weeks. If I moved away from Michigan as well, my mother and siblings would really be alone. Thus with absolutely no desire to, and a sense of obligation, I conceded to move back home. 

     A not so funny side note, the day before I was scheduled to move home, I was stopped by one of those jackass, Ann Arbor cops. Long story short he was sure that I had stolen my motorcycle because I had not renewed the registration yet. I had scheduled a meeting with the insurance company early the next morning after I arrived home, so it was a terrible coincidence that the cop happened to stop me that night. I had to secure new insurance before the state was allowed to renew my registration so if I had not been literally outside of @Hotel Arch and pleaded my case, he would have impounded my bike and taken me to jail that night. He wrote me a ticket and gave a warning not to ride my bike until I secured the insurance. The next morning I got on my bike and rode home. Fuck him! I didn't have money to hire a UHAUL so I had to do it. So I got home around late October and the dreaded job search began. I applied to a lot of banking and financial services types of positions in and around Detroit but I was open to anything so I was applying everywhere. The idea was to simply get any job then with time a better opportunity would present itself. I laugh now thinking back on this but most of those positions did not require a resume so I am sure that they felt like I was over qualified for those jobs. 

     Winter was fast approaching and I needed a car, so there were certain jobs that required traveling that I could not do. My employment choices were limited to jobs near my mother's house, but I kept applying. This is how my days would go. I would wake up alone in the house (mom at work,kids at school), eat, spend hours applying to this and that job, spend about 3 hours studying some LSAT material, and then apply for more jobs before I would get frustrated, retire to my room to write some songs. The weeks passed and I still did not secure a job and my mood began to suffer. My mother never stated it out loud but I believe that in her mind, she felt that I would contribute financially to the household, so me not being able to do so weighed heavily upon me. Even worse, nearing the end of November, my loan companies started to hound me daily. They would call demanding their money, I would explain my situation as best as I could, and they would end the conversation threatening that I better have a payment by so and so date. I was doing the best I could given my situation, but according to everyone it seemed that I was irresponsible, or not driven. I was really DOWN. Also, I was listening to ALOT of Kid Cudi's second album "Man On The Moon II: The Legend Of Mr. Rager" and for those that don't know, his sophomore effort is significantly darker than his debut, as he was dealing with recovering from a cocaine addiction. So me trapped at home all day listening to lyrics such as "All Along" did absolutely nothing to aid my mood. 

When the days, change, so does my attitude
I'm messy at home, I ate a lot of junk food
When the nights change, so do my nightmares too
I dream reality, is my dream

All along, all along, I guess I'm meant to be alone

All along, all along, I guess I'm meant to be alone, out there on my own, yea

When the weeks change, the rumors change too

I'm addicted to highs, would you like to know why?
When the months change, so do my love point of views

I don't want what i need, what i need hates me...
What i need hates me

I know all along, all along, i know I'm meant to be alone, its crazy

But all along, all along, i knew i was meant to be alone out there on my own yeah,

Suppose somehow the lion hearted failed to win, who will be the villain?

All the strangers voted for him

suppose somehow the lion hearted failed to smile, who would be the villain?

All the strangers voted for him

All along, all along, I guess I'm meant to be alone

all along, all along, I guess I'm meant to be alone, out there on my own, yea

Kid Cudi "All Along" 

     I was borderline depressed as I felt that I was failing at my responsibilities, and then I met her...


  1. I'm currently on a learning journey that is Mike O...I always told you that you have a gift with words, I still believe that your path in life will truly take off from that place; Anyways something about Part I and II and then ending with "and then I met her..." really hit home. I haven't often FELT someone's writing before, and never really with a blog post, but I def FEEL this one. The calm before the impending storm that is HER...

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  3. TY man...I know right. That is the biggest thing that has surprised me about this whole writing thing. I set out to write a sentence and three paragraphs appear. However it just comes to me, I don't think I could force it if I tried. But this was only supposed to be a 2 part series and it's turned into just 3 I hope.