Sunday, August 21, 2011

Excuse Me Sir but....You Can Eat A Dick!

          Do you recall from high school that individual or a group of individuals which you never saw eye to eye on. Well I'd be lying if I didn't add that this was most of my high school peers, hell my best friend Ray and I hated each other when we first met however, one guy I VEHEMENTLY detested was Donnie. The problem was that Donnie was the MAN is high school because he was the star basketball player at our school who could jump out of the gym, and get the newspaper articles and all the accolades and devotion. He and Ray grew up together (and we're one time best friends) and Donnie was an average player at their first high school because a black guy in the hood who can dunk is not that hard to find. However, when they arrived at our high school he began to get love and his hype grew and so did his head. This was literally my ONLY problem with the kid, I didn't play basketball at our high school so yea, the younger insecure me would have wanted the hype he had in high school, who wouldn't? However, it is a reach to say that I was EVER jealous of this guy. However Donnie didn't like me, never did. I would walk down the hallway and it just be me and him and I'd say "What up" just to be courteous, and he would look, stare at me and keep walking. At first I was wondering "WTF" however I came to learn from Ray that he believed I was after his girlfriend Allison. In high school, this was NEVER the case, Allison was a smart girl that shared some college prep courses with me so we would study together and in fact she was helping me to get with her friend Maria that I liked at the time. This was the extent of it, however, Donnie was SOO insecure, he went as far as to tell her that she couldn't even speak to any other black guys at our school. I would like to say that she didn't listen. His fakeness was one thing because this is no uncommon with star athletes however his insecurity was puzzling because for someone who regarded himself so highly and  literally thought he was better than other people his insecurity was borderline feminine! (Ask Ray, he has some STORIES!)

          Fast forward to earlier this summer and one rainy Friday night and Ray and I were bored so he sent the word out and apparently there was a planned party by one of our football teammates. I got ready and asked Ray to pick me up because due to the MONSOON, I couldn't ride my bike. Ray pulled in my driveway and when I went to the passenger seat door, Donnie was sitting there so I went to the back and entered the car and Al was there too, he was our good quarterback from high school. We drove to the party and as we pulled up to the first house, everyone was driving away because the party had been moved, so we ran back to the car and drove to the new location. When we arrived, I quickly saw that party was NOT the word for it, it was a gathering of like 30 guys and 3 girls, and it was only 3 because the party had been moved to one of the girl's house as she had decided to do this on the last minute because her parents were out of town. Thus we walked up her driveway with the garage door open and she quickly ushered everyone in so that her neighbors wouldn't see her or something. The girl was decently attractive and apparently Al had met her before so he went to introduce himself and she didn't remember him so he couldn't believe she couldn't remember him, so Ray hopped onto this and said, "Do you remember me too?" The girl was confused because she felt embarrassed about forgetting so many people so she cautiously replied, "No" and so Ray shot back with "What, you don't watch TV?" and the entire garage explodes in laughter. That's the type of dude that Ray is, he has forgotten more game than most dudes have. Shortly after, our penis fest made it's way into the house and down the basement for the foamy, keg beer and some beer pong and the like. 

          The first thing that was immediately apparent was that life after high school, had been ROUGH to some of our classmates. I'm talking overweight, missing teeth, patchy beards, NAME IT, me and Ray were left just shaking our heads. I look at Ray and say, "Bruh! At this rate I'm not showing up to high school reunion because somebody might cry!" It was truly sad, where the only people that resembled their high school selves were Ray, Donnie, the 3 girls, maybe 2 guys and I. The group couldn't get more girls at the house so we eventually began playing flip cup and beer pong. Ray and I paired up and after a fast start we blew a HUGE lead to Donnie and the host girl. After this, Ray received a text from his cousin who needed a ride so he left. I wanted to talk to a girl but 2 of the girls had boyfriends and Donnie and the host were flirting so I headed upstairs and in the garage I found people in a circle. According to True Blood, people huddle around a circle are either conducting a seance, being attacked by werewolves, vampires, pixies, shifters, etc or they are smoking weed. It was weed so I said "Why Not" and took a couple hits. Shortly after, the affects began to settle in so I made my way back to the house to sit in the living room with myself. When I'm high, I get REALLY horny or REALLY hungry but because there were no girls, I pulled out my phone to text Ray that I needed some food. He replied that he would soon be back with his cousin so i simply sat down alone with my back to the entire scene to listen to the music and all that was occurring behind me. Shortly after, a commotion erupted that had the host of the house SCREAMING. Apparently some guy had went upstairs, which had been blocked off by chairs, and pissed all over the rug, threw shit around, threw hair brushes and accessories in the toilet, even threw the waste basket in the toilet and pissed on everything. I have to ask, is that a white people thing? What is the appeal of going to someone's house and trashing it just for "shits and giggles?" Unless someone has done that to you, you shouldn't trash other people's property if you wouldn't want that done to your mother's house. I don't know, maybe I was raised different. So naturally, the host girl was upset and so a "search party" was organized to discover who committed the crime. I was high already so I needed to reason to laugh but this farce was entirely comical because it was bluntly obvious that one of the "investigators" had committed the crime. You could just hear it in his tone. However I was glad we were out in Livonia and not Detroit because, bullets would have been flying for that shit. 

          Shortly after, Donnie returned from the basement and began to comfort the girl and start hitting on her. Remember, I had not moved in like an hour so I simply heard everything that had been going on, so if I nodded my head backwards I would have hit Donnie and the girl because this is how close they stood behind the couch. From what I could hear, he was very aggressive and this works excellently on certain females but others you have to pull back with. Donnie wasn't catching this hint so of course I found this funny. On a couple occasions, she came to face me and check up on me because she was trying to be a good host so I simply asked her, "Does that work for you? A guy trying to take you home when you're CLEARLY already home?" She laughed and said that she'd been hurt before so with her a guy had to put in 8 months worth of work. Someone had told her that I went to Michigan so she started talking to me about that because she was going to cosmetology school out in Ann Arbor. I then realized I could have EASILY got her number just to spite Donnie  but then I didn't want to be childish and she was cute but NOT "8 months." Shortly after, Ray and his cousin returned and so our band leaves for the car, because Ray's cousin had somewhere to be, Al wanted to return home and Donnie wanted a ride to his car so he could return to the party. However, Ray had promised to take me to Coney Island and so began to drive there when I received urgent questions like, "Did you call ahead first?" from Donnie. I was like "Why would I call ahead first, I didn't plan on catching the munchies?" However, to not hold anyone up, I told Ray to simply turn into Taco Bell so I could order quickly. No one else had indicated they wanted food, so it was a surprise when Al tapped me and asked to place an order. Something had been wrong with the intercom because they couldn't clearly hear me and I found the entire thing funny because I was high, so I think I even ordered some fries and so the attendant is irritated because I asked to start the whole order again now that Al wanted food. Thus someone from the car asks, "Is there someone else we can talk to?" And this sets them off because a deep voice woman, who is CLEARLY a "Shaniqua" starts talking to us with an ATTITUDE. I was DYING laughing. A recent study showed that Taco Bell's meat contains ONLY 30% actual beef, so I was NOT trying to have my food diluted with saliva and urine. So in the midst of all of this, Donnie now wanted some food but this is how he ordered it, he turned sideways from the passenger seat and looked at me out of the corner of his eye, and barked, "Throw that shit on there!" 

          I looked away from the Taco Bell menu and wondered, "Who the fuck is this dude talking to?" I was high, but his tone was VERY unfriendly, so I looked at him and said, "YOU CAN EAT A DICK!" before I returned to my laughter at "Shaniqua." However, as if he gagged on my words, the car fell silent for about 10 seconds before Ray exploded in laughter, and Al started going "Ohh!" So Donnie realizing he'd been disrespected started mumbling various things but he won't speak up like a little bitch so I tell him, "Anytime, anywhere!" before I returned to trying to place this order with "Shaniqua." However, I soon realized that we'd been in the drive through for about 25 minutes so fuck saliva, razor blades were going to end up in our food, so I told Ray, "Pull off, man pull off!"The next morning I was recounting with Ray and he told me, "I don't think Donnie realizes how strong you are." I was high as shit but I was serious as a heart attack, even Ray's cousin who has no reason to side with me said that, Donnie's tone was out of place, so if me and Donnie ever fight, he's going to have to kill me to win because I got 5 years of "ass whopping" waiting for him! I realized in that night that he said more words to me over a game of beer pong than in 5 whole years of knowing each other. From my perspective, define fake. He never tried to know me so his only claim to fame was that he was the "big bad athlete," however that was high school. I'm fresh from Michigan where there are BALLERS both on and off the field, Braylon(Ask me about the first time I met Braylon...Hilarious), Graham, Hart, Tisch, Justin, Zaragon, ETC. I've never seen Donnie on TV, never seen him shut down the club or bar, in Miami, on the yacht, with a Bently, name it! However I'm supposed to get on my knees because he dunked a ball once in high school...GTFOH! And for anyone that thinks I'm talking shit or hiding behind the internet, "DONNIE you know where I be at, ANYTIME, ANYPLACE!" In recapping with Ray, the moral of the story is you don't have to like me but you WILL respect me! I think that is one of the biggest differences between me now and in high school, I can stand up for myself, by myself against whoever and I'm proud of that. Quick side note, right after I was done with "her" I found out that she was messing with Donnie and I DIED laughing! Ray expected me to be upset but it was just comical because when I met her she said he was too fake, too this, too that, and that she could never mess with him because he had tried her in high school. Physically there's nothing wrong with Donnie, it's his personality that turns people off so the humor was that in my opinion this dude hadn't changed so what changed for her??? And don't get me wrong, I wasn't the slightest bitter or have any qualms about who she associates with, it's just all this happened EARLY in the summer but I'm clearly months behind in these posts so I have to backtrack a bit. Shit I even ran into Donnie a few times over the summer time and the last time I was talking him UP to this cute girl from Canada who refereed to him as "Don" and was convinced he was the "Sweetest guy ever!" (her words, it was entirely HILARIOUS). So in closing, if you ever find yourself with the need to respond to a discouraging remark, look at your opponent dead in the eye, puff your chest out and exclaim assertively, "Excuse me sir, but Michael O told me to tell you, EAT A DICK!"

No comments:

Post a Comment