Sunday, August 21, 2011

Aww HELL NAW! They're Doing What???

          "Aww HELL naw! They doing what???" Let me backtrack. See I'm months behind these posts so by now, Ray had already went on in his internship, come back and left for school but this was the last night we hung out before he left for his internship. As it turned out, it happened to be Adriana's 21st which would imply a DTM night right but it was Adriana so I settled with her simply taking a drink in front of me. Hell, it was a rainy Saturday night so, I couldn't have rode my bike up to AA so the main reason Ray and I made the trip was that he was leaving in the morning and some girl friends from high school (including Scandi the one that got away before I knew she was engaged) so we decided to make a night of it. On the way there I hit up Cass and Uz and whomever, so when we arrived we parked in that "secret spot" (Jane voice) and headed straight to Charlies to get our drink on. Ray had not yet experienced the "Longest Islands" so I immediately found Jodi Mae and started ordering them. 10 minutes in, I was already buzzing because I don't drink severely at home. I ran into a few former courses but I was trying to be a good host because this was only Ray's third time going out in AA so I was trying to meet girls in two's because I've done Ann Arbor. So I was in the midst of doing this when Scandi and those high school girls showed up and so Ray and I kind of split up until Adriana, Britt and their other sorority sister showed up at the bar.

          It was Adriana's birthday so leave it to sorority girl's to bring a cake to the bar. After introductions and the mini ceremony for Adriana, I insisted that she had to take a drink. For those that are unfamiliar, Adriana was the little sweetheart that would be at 1502's rowdiest events, BLUNT sober. There is nothing wrong with that, but in the conversations I've had with her, it's not that she's against drinking, it's more that she's against what it does to people. Here's my rebuttal to that...NO SHIT! 1.) She's a sorority girl, that's a terrible sample size for "responsible drinkers" 2). You can drink and keep it classy. I guarantee you when she's a doctor years down the line and actually starts drinking, she's going to have the thought, "I dryly wasted some of the BEST years of my life!" Anyways the drink was ordered and of course, she was being apprehensive but the peer pressure got to her and she picked up the glass and placed the straw in her mouth and took a sip before putting the glass back down with a hilarious look on her face. In my mind I thought, "That's it?" However I recalled it was Adriana so, that's as good as you're going to get so I threw my hands up and the group erupted in a cheer. We spent a few more minutes in Charlies before the decision was made to head to Ricks. This is my memory of Rick's, there was a stairs,  it was dark, there was music and I was DRUNK! This is good and bad because it meant that I was enjoying myself but it was bad because I had meant to talk to Scandi because I hadn't seen her in close to 3 years, so I just wanted to catch up with her and it was literally a week later that she was proposed to...Ahh Well. After the gambler, Ray and I StRuGgLEd up the stairs and outside into the rainy night with Adriana, Britt and their other sorority sister with them. We decided to head over to the girl's apartment. 

Yes that's a penis

          At the apartment, Britt and I started kissing as we have a history. She was once my date at that infamous "suspenders date party" where Stev, Wheeler and I TOOK OVER. However, her and I had only ever said "hello" because she was MAD flaky to me. Every time I suggested we would hangout she was ALWAYS busy, so though I crushed on her for a minute, it was senior year and I HAD TO get it in. It was her senior year too, so if she preferred these whack fraternity guys it was her prerogative but I always assumed more could happen with us. So I'm not sure if we started at Charlie's, Rick's or the apartment, but I recall barely grazing on her neck, in the kitchen of the apartment and she grew WILD with excitement! I was barely trying but she was TURNED ON so I remember asking, "Who the hell are these dudes that you usually hangout with?" Maybe I know a thing or two but in my opinion, I wasn't doing shit, but she was loving it so we continued. However, moments later, Britt went into the bathroom and began saying "hello" to the toilet bowl. "CHECK PLEASE!" I'm sorry, when someone throws up, that's a deal breaker for that night (apparently it's not for some people). So the mood was CLEARLY broken but I was cool, I had a great night, and I wanted Britt to be okay, so Adriana helped her out, before heading home and I ventured to the family room where Ray was already stretched out on the futon that the host had pulled out. There was one tiny blanket and I like Ray and all but I wasn't about to snuggle with him if there was no need, so I sat on one of those stylish chairs that looks like an egg and this is where I passed out. 

          Eventually, the strangeness of my seated position awoke me and I also realized how cold the room was due to the rain. It was sometime in the middle of the night so I got up and shuffled to the futon where I noted Ray was still enthralled in the blanket, so I plopped down on the left side of the futon and tried to curl myself up to keep warm. I eventually dosed off until I heard it, "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." At first, I figured I was dreaming it so I thought nothing of it but then moments later, "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." I awoke and listened but all I could hear was the rain howling outside so I closed my eyes again, but then "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." Damn it! That was not a dream, that was real life, so I opened my eyes and decided to discover where this sound was coming from and then I heard it again, "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." Hold Up! It was coming from behind but only Ray was behind me so I rolled my head over and looked and to my surprise, Britt was now in between, Ray and I, but what gave me pause was that she was cuddled up under the small blanket with Ray. So if you can imagine, I was the "little spoon" for Britt, who was the little spoon for Ray. So then the thought dawned on me, "Oh shit, it's coming from them two," so I quickly turned my head around to see if I would hear the sound again, "Rustle, Rustle, Rustle." "Aww Hell Naw! They Doing What???" My best friend, is with my girl, about to hookup literally on my head! FUCK THAT! It's too many "my"s in that statement, so I got up from the futon to "use the bathroom" and honestly I was kind of mad, because I was COLD. So after using the bathroom, I was about to return to the room when I peered out the corner and that's when I saw Britt's leg raise over so Ray could roll over on top of her..."I KNEW IT!" I started LAUGHING but I had to conceal it! Ray is my man's so that's Ray, but I didn't know Britt had it in her, apparently she was going to get hers by ANY means necessary! The irony of the situation struck me as the whole night I had been trying to find a girl for Ray and there he was literally on top of mine so after realizing this, I had to bite my lip hard to prevent from exploding in laughter. I realized that Ray is one of the few guys that this could happen with and I would be jovial about so I decided to give them time. I looked at my phone and decided to give them 20 minutes because if you're on top of a girl for 20 minutes and nothing happens, then nothing is going to happen. Besides at this point I was FREEZING, because the bathroom window was wide open and I was only wearing my undershirt that was wet from the night at ricks.

Note Ray in the background PLOTTING!!!

Left:"One Sip" Right: Her Big
          So as I watched the two, I grew giddy with excitement as I was silently cheering them on. I'm taller than Ray and Britt is my height or an inch taller so it was erotic to watch her long legs flail in the air and I realized that the futon wasn't the prime location but what could they do. I pulled out my phone like "I gotta tell someone!" as I had been BBMing with Stev the night before but I recalled that he was at Penn Relays so I figured they had a late night and didn't want to wake him at 7 in the morning so as I scrolled through my phone, Adriana's name popped up first in the "A's" so I shot her a text saying, "Your big and my best friend are DEF hooking up right now." She quickly responded and naturally didn't believe me, it was "one sip Adriana" what are you gonna do? So I watched and counted down the 20 minutes and when I couldn't take the cold anymore I walked up and laid back on the futon saying "What's up guys, don't mind me." Britt looked over at me and had no expression on her face before turning back to Ray. Ray on the other hand had this HILARIOUS grin on his face like he had just been caught with EVERYTHING in the cookie jar, so I started laughing as I watched him mouth "condom," so I turned left and went into the girl's room and asked her for a condom. She asked for what and I explained so she reached into a "Sex drawer???"  by her bed that she was ADAMANT I couldn't look into, and fished out the condom. I tossed it at Ray and returned to the girl's room to await for the end of the tryst. Moments later, the girl calls out to Britt and they have a short convo before we all hear a loud SHRIEK from Britt..."Where's Mike!" I was DONE, on the floor DYING, it was so hilarious. Apparently, she thought that I was Ray and he was me. Britt eventually comes into the room and I return to Ray to recap and he tells me that they didn't have sex but that she had wanted it! However, he didn't have a condom so he was having that debate when I had walked up to the futon from the bathroom so according to him he was glad I had but the rest of the time was spent laughing. With everyone now awake, the girls rushed to breakfast and I wanted Britt to hug it out with Ray but she was hesitant...hmm. So on the ride home, the conversation was about if Britt REALLY knew that Ray wasn't I because Ray and I look nothing alike and have never been confused for each other. Plus I walked up from the bathroom and looked her dead in the eyes and even said something to her. It was dark, but at least I know I DON'T sound like Ray so on a percentage scale, I gave her 80% that she didn't know and 20% that she did and had to get hers. Ray started off at a 98% but then when I presented my argument he eventually made it down to an 85%. To be fair, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and wasn't mad at the situation at all but we all know that 2011 has thought me a thing or two about trusting the opposite sex, so I was firm at 80%. However a more important question arose out of this conversation. What happens when you wake up to someone you don't know or recognize and you two are engaged in coitus. Would you react the same way always or does it depend upon if they are PUTTING IT DOWN?!?!


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA seriously?! Who is this Britt chick and how could she not tell the difference between you and Ray? I mean I don't know Ray but it looks pretty obvious from the picture above. WOW HAHAHA!

    "...leave it to sorority girls to bring a cake to the bar." - awesome.

    Probably the funniest post I've read yet. Although, it does have me sadly yearning for another night in Ann Arbor. Have fun at the 1502 reunion and be sure to throw eggs at what was formerly Hotel Arch.

  2. This sounds like a Stev and Mike O Story. Makes me miss the times when we could swap out just for being black, well I guess we never really got around to that but there's always time. Otherwise what a great story and so not what I imagined happened to you that weekend. Wonderful, truly wonderful.