Saturday, July 23, 2011

Weddings and Chins and Squires...Oh My!

          I'm laughing as I start this post because it was a good time. In late May, Chin contacted me that he was coming to Michigan because his friend Austin was getting married. Austin was this kid I met one time but Chin REALLY wanted me to crash the wedding so I said, "Why Not?" So I'm not going to talk about the day itself, because Chin has characterized the events adequately but I am going add some points before I direct you to his blog post to read his depiction of the events. 

          (1) Chin is from Wheaton, Illinois and seemingly everyone I have ever met from Wheaton is SUPER religious. Way before I knew Chin, I had an internship the summer after freshman year and some of my fellow associates were from Wheaton. As they explained these fellow associates had "gone down the wrong track" with things like drugs, etc so in Wheaton there is apparently some bible college and those fellow associates had gone enrolled there to be reformed or whatever. So long before I met Chin, I had this pre-conceived notion that people from Wheaton were "different" but not necessarily bad, enter Squires. Squires is one of Chin's friends from home he frequently talked about and she was entirely abstract until we met her when she came to visit 1502, the summer after graduation. I met her her and she was cute, nice body, nice smile and she had a boyfriend she intended on marrying (Wheaton effect). So when I met Squires I had no intentions with the girl because she explained about her boyfriend she intended on marrying and I wasn't sure if she was a pastor's daughter or something. However, she came with her own alcohol and it wasn't Mohawk, or Burnett's, or Genny Light, or any of that bottom shelf bullshit,  it was Oberon and this gave me pause. Oberon is a nice, respectable beer, so any girl who pulls out a six pack, can't be all bad right? So during our pre-game later that evening, Sweeny came over and we played beer pong with Squires and I partnering up and Sweeny and Chin partnering up because this is when they were partners in crime and HONESTLY it was kind of annoying because I didn't like Sweeny at the time. Side note. Sometime after graduation, Chin and Sweeny became inseparable but Chin was annoying because he would never call him "Sweeny." This was Chin after graduation: "Me and David just sauteed some asparagus and it was delicious." "Me and David just rolled down a hill." "Me and David just fought some guys and ran away." I'm not making any of these things up and so at the time I would always be left wondering, "Who the fuck is David?" Hell at Hotel Arch there lived two Davids and Ann Arbor is saturated with Davids, so "Who the fuck is David?" And it wasn't just that he called him "David" it was the way he said it, like they just finished playing grab ass or something, "Oh David!" (Also I was debating writing this next part but you know me...Why not?) It was no secret that a disproportional amount of non homosexual guys HATED Wheeler. There was no middle ground, and it's to the point where I would advise Wheeler, who has never been in a fight, to learn how to fight because it's going to help him one day. Some of it is warranted because of Wheeler's actions but hating him because of his laid back attitude or because girls love him is frivolous. Unless Wheeler actually went into your chicken coop and took your chick (Which has happened), you can't hate him for that. However, a fair number of his teammates were not fond of him and Sweeny, being his brash self, was one of them. Thus when I met Sweeny, it was comical that Chin was friends with Wheeler and friends with Sweeny. I didn't know Sweeny, so from my perspective it was "1502 above the rest," so it was "fuck Sweeny" and I was down with Wheeler. Sweeny we're good now, so back to the story.

          (2) So it was Sweeny and Chin versus Squires and I playing beer pong. I was already impressed with her beer selection but beer pong would prove to be the real test. It started raining outside, as we began the game, and I assumed that I would have to carry the team because I was playing with a girl. Sweeny and Chin shot first and they both missed. I let Squires shoot first, as any real gentleman should, and she hit her cup and I hit mine. As per the rules of beer pong, we got the balls back and she hit her cup again, and I was like "Okay, this chick is a baller." I proceeded to hit my second cup and we get the balls back again. Squires misses her next cup, but I concentrate and hit my third in a row which evokes the "fire rule"(you keep shooting till you miss). During "fire," I hit two cups before I miss, so if you can follow the math, Chin/Sweeney had not hit one of our 10 cups, but Squires and I had removed 6 of their cups. In case you're unaware, Chin is NOTORIOUS for being a poor sport with certain events like when the Cubs loose, volleyball and especially beer pong. So Sweeny shoots again and misses and starts laughing but Chin is not amused and that's when the thought entered my mind. Chin lined up his next shot, and he missed again! Chin in now pissed as he slaps a cup of water that was off on the side table. I looked at Squires, and asked "Have you ever shut someone out?" She replied that she hadn't so I told her "I think we can do it." Upon hearing this, Chin starts talking shit and Squires misses her next shot. Over Chin's jeers and Sweeny laughing at the whole situation, I hit my next shot and they are down to 3 cups. At the time, I still didn't think it was possible because I was sure they would hit  ONE of the ten cups and end our chance at perfection. So Sweeny shot again, but again he missed. This affects Chin, as his ball rimmed around one cup and spun out. I grabbed Squires, looked her in the eye, and say "Squires, baby, just give me one cup." I was trying to build her up over Chin's jeers and all I needed her to do was hit one of the remaining 3 cups, and I would bring it home. She focused and hit her cup, "In your face Chin!" I jump up and down with her, but I quickly refocus, in order to hit my cup and bring the balls back. I aimed about 10 times, with Chin dancing wildly in my view, and once the ball left my hand, I knew it was going in....Splash! Me and Squires and hugging each other, Sweeney is laughing harder now, and Chin appeared as if someone had ran over his XBOX, he was ready to strangle Sweeny first, and then everyone else. Perfection in 10 cup beer pong, is the stuff of urban legends because it is so difficult to achieve. You have to be nearly flawless and your opponents have to be blind or something. However as I stood beside Squires, with the thunder flashing in the background, I realized that this was meant to be. The Lord had sent this angel names Squires to accompany me, in my quest for glory, and it was one cup away. Squires focused on the last cup and missed the shot, to Chin's delight. Before I allow myself to get caught up in the exchange of insults, I grabbed Squires aside and looked her in the eyes. "Perfection is one cup away and we must seize this opportunity as few are ever in this position. You blow on this ball and you believe with all your heart Squires that we are destined for greatness and it will be so....Jesus wants us to!" I held up the ball and sensually, she blew on the ball before I let it fly without aiming. The room grew quiet, as everyone watched the ball fly......................................................................................................................splash! SUCCESS!!! As hard as he could, Chin slapped the last cup off the table and into the wall, Sweeny exploded in laughter, and Squires and I embraced in pure joy, as I can't believe what had just occurred. It was one thing to achieve perfection, but to evoke a cosign from Jesus and then to back it up against Chin, PRICELESS! According to the rules of 10 cup beer pong, if you have a perfect victory, your opponents must take a naked lap and this is why perfection is highly sought after. The fact that it now rained furiously, was only icing on the cake. Sweeny wasn't phased by the loss, so while laughing, he stripped down in front of us and bolted out of the screen door behind him to take a naked lap around 1502. Squires and I then have to prod Chin into doing the same and eventually he stepped out onto the patio and took his naked lap. Never have I ever been more excited to see the pale ass cheeks of other males. Sweeny eventually heads home and later in the evening, Cass, Stev, Chin, Squires and I continue our pregame. We head out to a house party with the intent being to head to Charley's and then Ricks. On our way from the house party, we crossed Packard St, and Chin literally disappeared. He said no words, no texts and it was so slick, that the rest of us were left in the middle of Packard St with our heads on a swivel asking, "Where is Chin?" Stev and I had an inkling as to where he was because this was when Chin was annoyingly in his love triangle with freshman "busy," who wasn't about him and grad school Whitney who WANTED Chin. Naturally, Chin chased the girl who was not for him and disregarded Whitney who was mature and cute in her own right. In fact, we were on our way to Charley's to meet up with Whitney and her friends, so it was a bit fucked up, that he just disappeared. We eventually arrived at Charley's and of course, tipsy Whitney greeted us with, "Where's Chin?" Where's Chin?" Where's Chin?" I don't want to lie to the girl but, what was I going to tell her, so Cass, Stev and I answered her inquires with, "Oh he's on his way!" We progress towards Rick's to continue our night and Squires and I eventually wound up on the dance floor. I'm sure she was hesitant, but according to the signs, she was feeling it and so was I, so I leaned in and we kissed. We continued dancing and kissing and sometime later, out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed a flash streak across Rick's, as it was fairly empty that night. The person approached Squires and I and it was Chin. Whitney was excited to see him, but in one quick motion, he stepped in between me, said something to Cass about pawning Whitney off to me,  grabbed Squires by the hand and disappeared once again. It was entirely hilarious, so I looked at Stev and asked out loud, "If that was Wheeler with Squires, do you think he would have done that?" Simultaneously we answered my question, "Nah!!!" Admittedly, I was a bit miffed, because it was like he believed that I wasn't good enough for Squires or something. I never discussed the subject with him and it was a year later at 1502's Easter reunion, while we discussed his love triangle, that he explained that ever since he befriended Wheeler, he had always desired Wheeler to hookup with Squires (to bring them closer idk). Thus seeing her, enthralled with me shattered that fantasy. As he explained this, my only thought was "Maybe if you chased the right girl, these things won't happen!" So when he was trying to convince me to crash Austin's wedding, his favorite phrase was, "I'm going let her make her own decisions." However, I would not be surprised that on their drive from Illinois to Michigan, Chin coached her up with something like, "I swear to God Squires, I don't care how irresistible it is, YOU BETTER NOT KISS MICHAEL O!" Squires and I talked at the reception, and she claimed she did not remember our first encounter....Right! She didn't marry that boyfriend, shocker I know, but I doubt it had anything to do with me. It was probably more about the fact that you won't marry everyone you date (some people find that hard to believe). So that's the story behind Squires and though she plans to marry every boyfriend she has, she will always hold a special place in my heart as my "Perfection Angel."

          (3) At the reception, I found a roll of caution tape (you'll see in the pics) and being in a good mood, I fashioned a crossing guard belt because I always wanted to be a crossing guard but never had the opportunity. Thus it was while I wore this that one mom, looked at the piece across my waist and then zeroed in on my crotch region and as sultry as she could said, "Aren't you wearing that a bit high?" Her statement gave me pause, so it took a moment for me to realize that was indeed and innuendo, as I was the only chocolate flavored person there. The weird thing though was, her husband was standing right next to her smiling sheepishly at me! I was like, "Oh shit! Are they swingers?" So without a word, I grabbed the piece around my waist and lowered it and the whole outside bar exploded. So when I read Chin's post, he wrote it as if, I showed up and "all the dildo's came out" or something but NO! They started it and had I not been shitfaced at the end of the night, I would have possible investigated to see if "Caution Milf" was really serious about her sultry talk. I LOVE mature, older women, because as a boy I saw Diane Lane in "Unfaithful" and I have always loved that brand of women since then. 

          (4) Chin and I were shitfaced before we left the reception hall. On various tables there were cameras for the guests to take pictures to add to the memories. So when Chin and I went to grab our jackets he zips down his pants and takes a picture of his cheeks and says to me, "Take a picture of your dick," naturally I respond, "YEA!!!" I took the picture and then we ran outside to catch a cab. Thus the next day, in much more sober state, Chin and I were messaging and we asked, "Why the hell did we do that?" At the reception, it failed to dawn on us that I was the only black guy there so I couldn't claim it was someone else. Chin wrote about it very calmly, but I'm telling you, for 3 weeks after the fact he was nervous as hell when we would text saying things like, "Oh man, I hope Austin doesn't trip." I looked at it like, Chin's ass cheeks can pass for Caucasian so I was the one who would catch grief if anything happened. However, I wasn't truly worried because whoever processed the pictures was either going to frame them or toss them out, because these were the old school "clicker wheel" cameras, where you can only see the film after it's processed. We probably shouldn't have done it but as Chin was tripping, this was when the Ohio State scandal broke through. Thus I told Chin, "Have you learned nothing from Jim Tressel? Deny, deny, deny, you have plausible denialbility as long as you don't tag the pictures on Facebook, we're good!" So that was "Weddings, with Chin's and Squires, Oh my!" Nothing happened between Squires and I, but it was still a good time and now you may go read Chin's post as your homework. 

Chin's Post(with pics)


  1. Very nice. Always a pleasure reading your take on certain events and as usual it did not disappoint. I will literally NEVER forget that fateful night at 1502 where you made Sweeney and Chin do a naked lap, to this day that is still the only time I have ever witnessed one.

  2. Hahaha that stupid naked lap. I scratched that one off my bucket list when so few have! Chin and yourself have totally different takes on what happened at that wedding. It's almost like you guys were at two different parties.

    Oh and while Wheaton is an incredibly religious town (something I despise), it actually is a really nice place. You should check it out sometime.