Monday, May 16, 2011

"Post-Graduation: Home And Heartbreak (Part 8): Apart From Amanda"

          We returned from our trip to Ann Arbor and that is when I noticed that things began to change. If I did not call or text her first, I would not hear from her. I assumed that she was busy and thought nothing of it. We saw each other once more in late January after our trip to Ann Arbor and she apologized for being "difficult." Side note: Jen was the first girl that I LOVED going down on. I took pleasure in driving her wild with my tongue, to the point where she would have to fight me to stop, as she could not stand it any longer. Amanda was the second girl that I loved doing this to. So that night, I indicated that I wanted to see her as I had not seen her since our trip to Ann Arbor. It was late and she responded with "Are you trying to use me for sex?" I laughed at this but honestly responded with a "No." My thinking was, Valentine's Day was that upcoming Monday and I wanted to surprise her. As many a guy will tell you, NO THANKS TO HALLMARK, many girl's now expect things on February 14th. So my thought process was I would get her something before Valentines Day. Thus if we didn't do something extravagant, she would know that I cared for her and was thinking about her. I bought her a long stem chocolate rose and yes I wanted to see her, but my true motive was to sneak the rose into her room. How I envisioned it was that she would find it when I wasn't there and be perplexed as to how it ended up in her room (I can cake with with the best of em). So she showered and drove over at around 2 am to pick me up. The rose was too tall for my pockets so I had to stick it in my sock but it still hung out, so I had to resort to a sidewinder walk. We made it over to her place and her father was out of town and her mother worked nights, so only her sister was there. So back to how I began this side note, I ended up going down on her in the family room with the TV on. Can you blame me? I have a sexual nature (points for honesty you hypocrites). I really have this belief that as a male, one of your duties is to make certain that your woman is sexually satisfied. I think that as guys, we get caught up in being a "provider" that some males take their women for granted. So I really believe that if more males regarded their partners sexual needs as highly as they regard paying the mortgage, or car note, or utilities, then ALOT more relationships would last longer. So I said we weren't going to have sex but I never said she wouldn't get hers. She was half naked on the couch to my left and my legs were sticking out to the right. Thus my head is in between her legs, doing what I do. However, nearing the moment of climax, I felt a tugging on my right leg. What??? I raised my head to observe her fat ass cat tugging at my right leg. It had sensed the chocolate rose in my sock and was now pawing at it. 

          So if you can imagine, I was trying to finish Amanda off to the left while kicking the cat away on my right, all without Amanda realizing what was occurring. It's quite funny if you think about it, but about 5 minutes later I had achieved success on both fronts. Admittedly I felt proud, but I still had to get the rose to her room. So we begin talking and she explained that lately she had a lot going on and that's where her attention had been. I told her I understood and all I was after was to hear from her once in awhile to make certain that she was good. We eventually made our way to her room and I immediately crashed on her bed. Quick side note, my mattress is a piece of shit! The springs are all irregular and provide the opposite of a comfortable sleeping surface. So I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to any girl that has ever slept on my bed. "Yeezy taught me better than that!" Now I am laying in her bed and have to get her out of the room. Think Michael! "Could I have some water," I asked as slyly as I could without trying to draw attention to myself. She obliged and I rushed to the desk stand that was in front of her bed and placed it in a cup that housed real flowers. I fidgeted with it until it looked unassuming to my eyes.  I was able to leap back into bed a second before she opened the door and returned to the room. The next morning we awoke and began talking. I hadn't seen her since our trip to Ann Arbor and so it felt good simply "shooting the breeze" with her, however I should have asked her to take me home immediately. Somewhere along the conversation, she looked up and noticed my chocolate rose. "How did that get there," she asked? "How did what get where," I returned. "That rose," she exclaimed! "What are you talking about, I assume someone bought it and gave it to you," I replied. (wink wink) "Wait! Did you do that?" she continued with her eyes lighting up. Fuck! I had to act fast. So as calmly as I could, I looked at her and said, "You must have me confused with one of your other lovers. I don't even know where you live (which is true), how would I magically get you a rose?" She considered my logic and calmed down for a second to think. My head was saying, "I think she's buying it!!!" So I watched as she responded with, "Yea your right, how would you even get it in to my house without me knowing? We were together the whole time..." I watched in slight disappointment as she connected the dots and lit up once more, "It was when you asked me to get you water! I know exactly what it is. I bet it has chocolate in it" She had me but I couldn't admit it. The way that she was finding out was "Not how I drew it up in practice." Thus I brushed what she said aside saying, "Shoot, you'd wish I would get you a rose. You better ask one of your other lovers, I DON'T like you like that!" We laid around in bed for a bit longer before she took me home, thus after that day I thought she would stop being distant.

          However, when I went three and a half weeks without hearing from her I knew something was wrong. It was unsettling that we could go that long and not have a conversation. When I met her, she told me that she was applying to an Au pair program in Italy that would last for 6 months to a year and I was excited for her. This is the time of our lives where we should be pursuing all of our heart's desires so that when we finally settle down, we can say that we did not miss anything. So if I could not manage seeing her for 3 and half weeks, how could I manage 6 months to a year? My desire to see her was more emotional than physical. If you care about someone but you do not hear from them in 3 and a half weeks, you're going to be naturally concerned. I knew then that whatever was consuming her had to do with her husband so my last desire was to add to her unrest so I let her be. Two weeks later I got a job offer from Rite Aid and was excited as this was one of the positions that I had applied for with her aid. I now had a phone and a job so things were looking up. She had said that when I began work that we would go out to celebrate. As it was, my first full day was the Monday of Valentines Day so I planned a dinner for us after work where I would pay with the last $30 that I had. I was excited about not only getting a job but now being able to pick up the check because it felt weird when she would pay for things, especially now that I considered her as my girl. That first day was a tough one but it was Valentines Day and I was expecting to see her afterward so I did not mind. Early in the day, I sent her a text message during one free moment but received no response. After work, I sent her another message and two hours later, I still received no response so I was really concerned. 

          If you have read my previous posts then you know that this was not how she responded to me on the phone. Secondly, I finally just got a job and it was Valentine's Day! The one day of the year where couples are encouraged to cake, that's slang for being cute. Thus to not even be receiving a response from my texts begged the question, "What is going on with her?" If she was with another guy that was fine, but all she had to do was express that she had plans. That way I would not be expecting to hangout with her. So I waited about two hours after work before sending her a text message that began with, "Are you okay? If I don't hear from you in nearly four weeks, I'm naturally concerned?" She finally responded with some message that ended in "let's keep it simple." I'm thinking good for you, but that was affirmation and not an answer to my inquiry so I asked once more, "What's good? We used to talk about anything and lately you're very distant. Again she replies with a message that ended in "let's keep it simple." I'm now getting irritated. Recall I'm fresh from my days in Ann Arbor where keeping it simple is what I did senior year. Due to class and tests, and internships and differing schedules, you could go weeks and sometimes months without seeing an old flame. However, once you saw each other you hooked up and they went on their way. Simple and I'm world class at it. However, when I met Amanda, she was the one who wanted to open up and meet families and etc. I was PERFECTLY fine with a physical relationship where I would put it down and send her limping home. So it was her that opened the door for us to have an emotional connection. This "keeping it simple" bit of hers was almost comical because I was wondering "Is she serious?" I expressed this fact to her and once again, she replied with "let's keep things simple." Now I'm annoyed! This girl was just not hearing me. Her birthday was a week from that Monday, and she would be out of town in Florida. Thus I had written a song for her called "Happy Birthday Marie," which I might throw into my novel, "Galfing: A Young Man's Guide" and so I planned to email the song to her. However, the guy that was mastering my songs for my mixtape, "The Graduate," was giving me trouble. Mastering is when you take a song and bring it to radio quality, thus I had just paid this guy full price for the 22 songs on The Graduate and now he was trying to charge me again for this one song. He could just as easily add the birthday song to the collection of 22 songs so that I would not have to pay. Thus in frustration I let the "cat out of the bag" and expressed this to Amanda saying I wouldn't be going through all of this trouble with someone I was just "keeping it simple" with. I continued by telling her that I didn't want to be an asshole but why should I be caring for someone if obviously there was no reason to. I expressed that if I should pull back and not care for her that she should let me know immediately instead of leaving me feeling bewildered. Again she responded with some cryptic answer and I was thoroughly confused. I did not understand the game that she was playing but in giving her the benefit of the doubt, I asked to see her the next morning to clear the air before she went on her trip to Florida. At least in person, I could better gauge her reactions than the night before. We had been arguing over text message, and you should never do that. She gave me some excuse for not wanting to see me and so two days later she was gone. 

          Here was my logic. Something was obviously awry in her world and I assumed that it was related to that guy that started with an "h" and rhymed with chubby. Thus I couldn't press her on the matter as she would have to tell me but at the same time I couldn't let her take advantage of me so I "put my foot down." I said that I would not contact her again until she contacted me. I just earnestly expressed that I didn't like her distant act, and so if she cared for my opinion she would contact me. Every other time that she went out of town she always managed to contact me. When I didn't have a phone or hers had died once, it was through Facebook or instant messenger. Thus I reasoned that if she called or sent a text message then I would go ahead and still send her the song despite already revealing the secret. The challenge was set and I was SURE she would contact me at least once. She left on a Thursday, nothing. Friday, nothing. Saturday, nothing. Sunday, nothing. Monday, her birthday, nothing. Now my phone is a "Crackberry" so when anything occurs that relates to you in the world, a Blackberry will flash to alert you. This is what they are designed for, to always keep you connected to the world. Thus every time that my phone would flash, I would pick it up with anticipation as I was sure it was her. WRONG! Those five days, I was let down more often than Chin would have been in a room filled with other Asians. So on her birthday, after work, I had a decision to make as the clock ticked towards midnight. Do I break my word or stick to my guns? I stuck to my guns as it was the principle of the matter. So three weeks go by and I've heard nothing from her and those weeks were TERRIBLE. I felt like I had lost something and I just couldn't find it. Remember it was in the middle of winter so we were getting blitzed with snow seemingly everyday. Thus my days were in a cycle of perpetual grayness. I would wake up, and trudge to work in INCHES of snow as it had not yet been plowed. The work itself was very mundane but the music at Rite Aid was the WORST. 

          The songs that they played were on a loop and I swear 95% of them dealt with break up in some form or fashion. Yet these songs were not the kinds of songs that anyone would want to listen to EVER, much less when they are in that state of mind. If you're going to make me sad, at least make me want to hear the song again. Most of these songs were the opposite and made me want to rip out my ear drums. I am certain that in one dark chamber of hell, these songs are on repeat simply to torment those who appreciate good music. Not a day transpired that I didn't stop and ask, "What on earth are we listening to?!?! Shoot me and just get it over with, PLEASE!!!" Most of these songs were from the 1960's and for whatever reason a bunch of them had a quartet singing the whiniest, sappiest songs about breaking up, like a reject version of The Beach Boys. I knew people would think that I was exaggerating so I actually wrote down some of the lyrics that were bombarded, DAILY, in my head. No bullshit...1.) "They say that breaking up is hard to do..." 2.) "If there's a new love in your heart, hurt me now, get it over..." 3.) "It's raining it's pouring, my love life is boring...(after this one, I actually stopped and asked one of the customers "This is a joke right? I'm being Punked right now? No! It's an actual song!)" 4.) "When can my heart beat again, when does the pain ever end..." Once in awhile a good song would actually play like John Legend's "Ordinary People" or Angie Aparo's "Cry" and you would find me in the isles singing my heart out, like it was Sunday night karaoke at The Brown Jug. I can hold a tune now and so the customers loved it. 

"Cry" by Angie Aparo
Could you cry a little? Lie just a little?
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain.
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return.
So cry just a little for me

           I felt like Bill Murray in a bad version of "Groundhog's Day" so I knew that I was going to go crazy if I didn't channel myself purposefully. Thus one day as I sat in front on my laptop, I was clicking through some old files when I found "Galfing.doc." It was the beginning to the guide that I had started after the fall semester of our senior year. It was about 20 thousand words at the time and so I opened it up and I LOVED what I had written. Thus I set out to complete it and this is when I realized that I couldn't just write a guide to Galfing. For people to understand, I had to write a novel. I had to tell the story of 1502 and myself. To do the story justice, I would have to backtrack and tell it from the beginning. This is where I decided to employ the "story within a story" aspect that drives the novel. On the surface level, the main character "Lucien" sets out to write the official guide to Galfing. However, underneath, you receive Lucien's tale about how he came to write those official rules. So ultimately, the story is one of personal growth. I set myself to a schedule of about 2000 words a day. At first it was difficult but the more I wrote, the more the words flowed out of me. The plan was to be finished by the time of our Easter reunion trip to Ann Arbor. I had envisioned that the novel would end at about 80 thousand words but as I kept writing, I realized that I would have to move that budget up to around 135-140k words. I poured myself into my writing as I was spurred on by the angst of missing her. As I figured it, she would go on to Italy for a year and so the next time that I would see her would be possibly years later. By then I wanted to be really successful so that I could throw it in her face. You have to understand this is how I think. Save for a physical fight, when people have hurt me over the years, my response is usually tempered. I've never had the need to cuss out your mother, or any of that other foolishness as I am sure that your mother is a nice woman. I look at it like, if I can achieve in spite of you, that speaks volumes. At that point, I never need to say another word to you. All I need to do is show up and let my confident silence do the talking. So I really believed that our next interaction would be 3 years down the line or something, so I was coming to terms with this. 

          April rolled around and before I knew it, it was a week before our Easter trip. That Wednesday, I had my first show down at the Bullfrog bar and grille and the promoter had wanted me to get the word out about the show. Thus throughout that day I was on Twitter, tweeting away. As my tweets are linked to my Facebook profile, she must have seen one of my tweets on Facebook and so she called me. I picked up the phone expecting that it was the promoter because the number was not saved in my phone. Side note, I do this thing where I delete numbers from my phone. It makes trying to forget someone a whole lot easier, especially when their name starts with an "A." Anytime I went into my phone, she was at the top of my contact list and this was not helping, so I deleted her number. So I am literally in my boxers as I was about to hop into the shower to prep for my show, when I picked up the phone. It was a girl on the other line and it took me about ten seconds to realize that it was her. It was April 15th, and I had not seen her since the end of January. I had not heard from her in any fashion since February 15th, and not a day went by between that period that I had not thought of her. I was at a loss for words as I really did not know what to say to her. I think I may have began the conversation with, "I don't know any Amanda's." She thought I was joking so she laughed as she continued. It had been more than 2 months since I've heard ANYTHING from her so what immediately struck me as strange was that her tone was like nothing had happened, as if she had just seen me mere hours ago. I had been SUFFERING trying to get over this girl, but I didn't query her on it.  I explained why I had not wished her a happy birthday and I asked her why she couldn't simply talk to me. She explained to me that she felt that she couldn't talk to me about him. Hmm. Now I have a Michigan degree, and can "read good" from time to time, so this sounded like BULLSHIT. If our relationship began because we could talk about anything including him, what changed in February where we couldn't talk about him? However, it was her story so I didn't press it any further. We continued our conversation and before wishing me luck on my show, she told me she had bought a new car, and had been traveling all over. In fact, she had just returned from a friend's wedding in Maryland and so her exact words were, "Baltimore is fun! You should get down there sometime!" Hmm. Boys and girls, whom from 1502, that we know WELL, is from Baltimore???

"Cry" Angie Aparo 

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